Terrified
by mida malek
Summary: Dean could now understand why Caine had done exactly what Lucifer asked of him. He now knew what it felt like to give your everything for someone, only to be called guilty and selfish. He knew how it felt to be betrayed. Takes place after Sam tells Dean he wouldn't save him. don't read if you don't like pain and grief.
1. Betrayed

Betrayed

Dean pushed back at the tears in his eyes and shot his bedroom door behind him. He took a few deep breaths that did nothing to help him calm down. He felt sick down to his stomach. He wanted to crash something but he knew better than to do it. He knew exactly what he was supposed to do.

It was time.

So he started packing what little belonging he had. Sam's last words were echoing in his head as he put his jeans in his duffle. It was like somebody just kept stabbing him in his guts. He knew too damn well what was next for him.

He could now understand why Caine had done exactly what Lucifer asked of him. He now knew what it felt like to give your everything for someone, only to be called guilty and selfish.

He knew how it felt to be betrayed.

It all just hurt too much. He thought about every single time he had died for Sam. Every time he had killed for Sam, sacrificed other people to save his baby brother. And it HURT.

He remembered Sam getting stabbed and feeling the life drain out of his brother in his arms. He remembered how it felt to be hopeless, useless. To feel empty.

And he remembered getting ripped to shreds by hellhounds and he remembered burning in hell. And he remembered that in all those moments all that made him go on was Sam. The fact that Sammy was ok and alive.

He remembered dying to bargain with death to get back Sam's soul. Killing Benny, willing to kill Cas, letting all the demons walk the earth. He remembered all of it too well.

And then he remembered Sam running off to Stanford and leaving him behind with John. He remembered Sam leaving him to go find John. Sam leaving to be with Ruby. Sam leaving to be normal again. Sam leaving Dean to wander around in purgatory for a damn fucking year to have a dog and a girlfriend. Sam wanting to go back to college.

Then he realized how stupid he had been all these years. He realized he should have seen it all years ago.

Sam had never wanted Dean around.

He didn't know how he had ended up in his car, all his stuff in one duffle on the shotgun. It was a little ironic. That seat had been Sam's place for so long. Dean had watched Sam sleep, breathe, laugh and cry on that seat.

Dean knew Sam's words had broken something deep inside him. He could feel it. His tears were slowly drying off and his breathing was getting back to normal. He wasn't patting or sobbing anymore.

All he felt was so much _rage _and_ pain. _Nothing else.

He clinched his jaw and hit at the wheel a few times. Pure rage was rising inside of him.

FINE! It was all just fine. Dean was so fucking tired of trying anyways. He was tired of trying to make Sam want him, accept him._ !_ If Sam hated Dean so much, if he didn't think Dean was worthy of saving, then Dean had no interest in trying to make him.

Not anymore. Not after years of trying to be the one Sam could count on only to have it thrown in his face. He was done playing the hero.

"Cas. Call for Cas. He will help you."

"Shut the fuck up. Cas is long gone. The sooner you accept it the better. Cas never cared for you either. No one does. Never have never will. So suck it up."

Great. Now he was talking to himself.

He didn't hesitate this time when he took his phone and dialed "666".

"Hello Dean. Long time no talk. How's your moose?"

"Shut up Crowley. He's not my anything."

"Trouble in paradise?"

Dean took a deep breath.

"I want in."


	2. Flustered

Flustered

Sam jumped awake as the bunker's door was slammed loudly. He sat straight in his bed, wondering why it had taken Dean so long to go out and drink himself stupid drunk.

He got out of the bed, wandering to the kitchen to grab something to eat. He knew he wasn't going to get any sleep that night. At least not until Dean came back.

He made himself some salad and started eating while he waited for his big brother. Sometimes he wondered if Dean was ever going to grow up.

He knew his last words to Dean had been harsh but at the moment he had been so angry and hurt and terrified of all the things Dean would do to keep him around that he'd just wanted to make it stop.

But now after a few hours he could clearly see how Dean would take his words. Dean and his childish self loathe. Dean, who was constantly looking for a proof to tell him that no one wanted him.

It was only then that he noticed it was nearly dawn and Dean wasn't back. He suddenly felt like bats were flying in his stomach so he went to check Dean's room. He had no idea why but somehow he was dragged to go and take a look.

He opened the door and stepped inside, freezing dead still in the door way.

"Shit." He whispered to the empty room. He attacked the empty walls where there used to be Dean's weapons and then the very empty closet.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit!" he pushed back his hair and felt sick to his very core.

"What have I done?" he whispered to no one as he leaned against the now empty wall and fell to the floor. He felt like he was gonna break into shaky sobs any second.

Dean was gone. His big brother, the man he loved and depended on the most in this world. He knew this was not a good thing. Dean + the mark of Caine + feeling rejected and unwanted resulted nothing but disaster. He cursed himself inwardly for pushing Dean over the edge.

He wanted to look for Dean. He needed to. But he knew better than anyone that he wouldn't find him. The Dean from 2 years ago he could find in a blink of eyes but the new Dean he knew squat about.

Lately he had spent so much time separating himself from his big brother that he didn't have time to pay attention to the guy. And now he could see how wrong he had been. How was he so blind to Dean's pain? His brother had needed Sam so much by his side that he had tricked him to let an angel in. Sam knew better than anyone how much Dean hated working with angels or demons. And now Dean was working with Crowley. He had after Sam had told him to leave. What made him not do it again now that he thought he had lost Sam for good?

He let his tears fall as he lied down on Dean's empty bed. It smelt like Dean. the mixture of leather and shampoo and something sweet that was purely his brother. Even the mattress was still in the shape of Dean's body.

He smiled bitterly as he remembered Dean telling him about the memory foam. It felt like years had passed since that day. He closed his eyes and let himself sink in the utter sadness that was taking over his heart.

It had only been a month ago when he thought everything was gonna be alright. Dean had finally opened up about his feelings and he had been ok and felt like there was hope for the two of them. That maybe this wouldn't end bloody for them.

He thought about where Dean might be. Maybe he was with Cas.

Shit, Cas. Sam cursed himself for being so stupid as he sat straight and called for his friend to come.

"Hey Cas, uh man I know you're pretty busy but can you please come here? It's Dean… he's … uh… he's gone. I need your help man. I don't know what to do."

Seconds later he heard the ruffles of wings and turned to face Cas.

"Sam? What is it?" he tilted his head in a worried expression.

"Dean… he just took off. I can't find him."

"Did you try?" came the reply and Sam let his head hang.

"No… i…"

"Sam I think Dean has a good reason for leaving. It's best if you give him some space. When I told you to call him you should have done so, now is just too late."

"You don't know that Cas. This is Dean… he'll always come back to me… he will never give up on me…"

The sad smile on Cas' face did nothing to ease Sam's uneasy stomach.

"Why did you call me here Sam?"

"Please find him and bring him back." Sam said his voice low.

"Why would he come back Sam? So you can push him away some more? Truth is he's just a human and he has limits. You …"

"Cas. Please. He has the mark of Caine and I think he might do something stupid. I know I messed up but right now is not the time for the pep talk."

Castiel stared at him a moment longer before disappearing with another fluster of wings.


	3. Strengthened

Strengthened

Dean pulled out the demon knife from the lifeless body at his feet and stood straight, not letting his guard down.

"Crowley?"

Dean called and didn't even blink as the king of hell appeared by his side.

"You got it?" he asked staring the short vessel down.

"Of course I did." Came the British accent and Crowley handed him the ugly blade. Dean didn't mention that he had felt the blade getting closer to him or that he felt better than he had in years as soon as he touched the weapon.

He felt calm and powerful. Irresistible. And best of all he could care less that Sam didn't love him. he didn't feel like he wanted to end his own life.

He felt distanced, as if he was given a new perspective.

He now understood how the good of many really did outweigh the good of a few.

So what if a few people died if it meant the others could live happily.

He closed his right hand around the blade and suddenly the whole world was blank to his eyes. All he saw was the blade and his mission.

He had a knight of hell to kill and he would kill anything that stood in his way.

"Dean!" he didn't so much as jumped when a deep voice started behind him and turned to face Castiel, the blade still tight in his grip.

"Castiel." He stared at the angel. He wasn't going to be a problem. He tilted his head staring at the angel and he didn't feel anything.

Castiel took his hand and stared at the red mark there.

"What have you done?"

"It's a mean to an end!" Dean growled under his breath, pulling his hand free.

"Dammit Dean!" Castiel looked really concerned. Huh. NOW they cared. And they didn't care about him. No. they cared about the world and what he was capable of doing to it now.

He looked at Cas rolling his eyes.

"Look, you find heaven, you drop a dime. Mean time, I got a night to kill."

Castiel looked at him in a way he had never seen before. As if he was… disgusted. Wow. That's really reach.

"Drop the blade Dean." Castiel ordered.

Dean smirked.

"Why?"

Now he was giving him this funny look, as if he was expecting Dean to find something there and just drop the blade. It was a little funny.

"Dean…"

"Castiel, I suggest you leave." Dean said and wanted to laugh as he saw the hurt come to the angel's eyes.

There was a whoosh of wings and Castiel disappeared.

Dean turned to Crowley.

"Find the bitch."

Then he let go of the blade and took it with his left hand, feeling the calm leave his body.

He knew Crowley had left.

And he had told Cas to leave. What the hell?

But it was for the best. He couldn't afford Cas or Sam weighing him down. He knew they would screw this up. He was all alone in this.

Somehow he felt he had always been alone.

He stepped out of the old smelly warehouse and left for his car.

He needed to get laid tonight.

Sam jumped as Castiel appeared by his side. He knew the answer to his question even before he asked it.

"He didn't want to talk did he?"

"Sam… Dean needs help…"

"I know Cas and I didn't mean to push him away like this I just…"

Castiel cut him off.

"You don't understand. I mean he needs help like you did when you had lost your soul. He's becoming something none of us can control."

Sam felt his heart stop.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the mark of Caine."

Sam froze. He knew there was something really off with his brother lately, but he had been so into his own problems that he didn't stop to think why. He just assumed Dean was hurt.

"Why did you let him do this Sam?"

"I… Cas this happened when we weren't talking. I found out about it when it was done."

Castiel leaned his back to the table sighing.

"You should have called him Sam…"

Ok, enough was enough. Sam couldn't take this anymore.

"Cas! Stop blaming everything on me. Yeah I did a wrong thing but this is not MY fault. Dean is the one who's so weak, he can't live without his little brother. I tell him to leave and the first thing he does is go down in a suicide mission. I tell him I wouldn't save him and he takes off with CROWLEY. He KNEW it was wrong and yet he did it. So don't blame me for his stupidity."

Castiel looked at him in disbelief and only then Sam realized what he had said.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean…" he took his head in his hand and Cas put his hand on his back, comforting him.

"I know Sam… I know you care about Dean… but he doesn't. and unless you find a way to show him… I'm afraid we can't stop him."

Sam took in a deep breath.

"I need a moment… can you keep an eye on him? from afar?"

Castiel looked like he wanted to protest but after a second he nodded once.

"Of course."

Sam heard the flatter of wings and turned to look around him.

The bunker was so empty without Dean there. Sam missed the smell of burgers Dean would make him. he missed the dead man's rope Dean wore. He missed the feeling of … home.

He missed his big brother.

He found himself in Dean's room, searching the stuff his brother had left behind. He hadn't taken much, just enough to get by. Sam figured with the whole mark thing, that wouldn't be much.

When he was going through Dean's closet, he found his old duffle there. Sam hadn't seen this one since… since before he went to hell.

He took the bad and he was taken aback when he realized it was heavy. There was something in it.

He looked around, feeling like he was betraying Dean. but his curiosity got the best of him and he opened it.

It was a mess in it. At first Sam thought these were papers Dean had just used to keep the bag full, so it kept its shape.

He started taking out the papers and then he felt his heart stop. Oh god… he knew these…

"Dean…" he murmured as if he was scared his brother would hear his voice.

He took the paper on the top and unfolded it, it was a little painting obviously drawn by a kid. It was of two little boys, hand in hand, and behind them was a black car.

Sam remembered drawing this one. He had been 5 and Dean had fought a bully to take this drawing back. He knew for a long time his brother had kept the drawing in his pocket, taken it everywhere.

There were other paintings, some notes he had written back then to Dean, letting him know he would be late. The little Christmas cards, little gifts… they were all there.

He opened the little zipper inside the bag and pulled out what he thought would be a shoe lace or something.

When he recognized the familiar horns and head of the amulet he knew he had died a little in his heart just then.

Dean had kept it. He had gone back and fished it out of that bin can and he had kept it. With all these other stuff.

But that wasn't the worst part.

There was a notebook. It looked like the one their dad had used to write down his hunts. But this one was in a much better shape.

He opened it and recognized Dean's handwriting.

_**Dean Winchester**_

_**2001**_

He flipped a page and he knew he wasn't meant to read these. But how could he not? He had spent years, trying to get inside Dean's head, find out what he was thinking. This was his only way of knowing.

_**So, ummm, hi I guess.**_

_**I don't know how dad does this, but he told me writing will help. I feel stupid trying this out but… hey it's dad. He's always right, right?**_

_**Great! Now I feel like I'm talking to myself.**_

_**Whatever.**_

_**Sam left two weeks ago. He had a big fight with dad. Dad told him not to come back. And Sam left.**_

_**I wanted to take his side, he's a smart kid. Smartest I know. He deserves that fancy life… he's not like me. **_

_**I really wanted to take his side, but… I didn't want dad to leave me. I knew Sam would eventually leave me, but dad? No.. he needs me around. **_

_**After he went I had a big fight with dad too. I begged him to call Sammy and say he was sorry. But he didn't. he said if Sam wanted out he better stay out. Both feet in or both feet out. **_

_**I miss him like hell. That's why dad gave me this. He said writing would help…**_

_**Well I don't feel any better…**_

_**This is just stupid!**_

Sam tried to keep his tears. he flipped another page. The date showed it had been a few months since Dean had written the first page. This one was for Christmas. His first Christmas at Stanford. When he had met Jess.

_**Went to see Sammy tonight. I had a present made for him.**_

_**He has a girl now. He has a life. And I'm not in it.**_

_**Now I understand he didn't leave dad, or the life… he left ME…**_

_**God, I miss him so much…**_

Sam touched the last words, it looked like they had been wet. Dean had cried. Even if one tear, he had cried because he had needed Sam.

"Oh God… Dean… I'm so sorry… I never left you…" He whispered under his breath.

He flipped a few pages. Then something caught his eyes and he looked at the page. It was blood.

_**I got hurt pretty bad tonight. Came back to our motel, dad wasn't here. Patched myself up. I thought I'm gonna hold out till he gets back…**_

_**Then I realized he had taken all his stuff. Everything.**_

_**He's gone…**_

_**Just like Sam is… just like mom…**_

_**Maybe he calls me… **_

Sam could imagine Dean, alone, sitting by himself and drowning in his self-loathe. He flipped another page.

_**Dad hasn't been back. He doesn't pick up the phone. I just got a message from him saying I gotta be careful. Don't know what to do…**_

_**Wish Sammy was here… he's always been the smart one. The one with a brain.**_

_**Maybe he's right… maybe I AM nothing but dad's little soldier… but is that a bad thing?**_

_**Man, I miss the kid so much…**_

Sam knew the date before he even saw it. This was two nights before Dean had come for him. before everything went to hell…

He took the notebook and got up, the amulet around his neck now. He would get this back to Dean and he would get his brother back.

But before that he needed to read the rest of this book.


	4. Are you happy now?

Are you happy now…?

Dean closed his eyes and took a breath. He would do this. He didn't care what it took, he was gonna do it. He opened his eyes and opened the door, walking in on a sprawled Crowley.

"Hello Dean! love the crazy bloodlust in your eyes." Crowley spoke. Something was not right, his new instincts agreed with his hunter ones. Something was definitely off. He raised the blade to his chest and hit it a few times to show that if this was some kind of game, Crowley could consider himself dead.

"Let's not waste time." Crowley sure got the message. "I'll take you to Abaddon."

Dean saw the blood on his hand. Oh great. But his body was not really responding the way it always did to a trap. He was calm. Mad, but calm.

"It's not far." Crowley was trying to say something with his eyes. Dean wasn't stupid of course. He had felt them before Crowley even said his last words. He turned and pushed the blade deep in the demon attacking him, then he threw him away. He was about to launch again when the familiar force pulled his body back, and he hit the wall. Ouch. He hated this feeling. When his feet weren't on the solid ground.

"A boy and his blade. And still, no match for the new queen." Came the greetings. Dean was about to open his mouth when she twisted her hand and dammit, it really hurt. This was not how he planned things and his body was really not happy with his situation.

"So first… you'll die… painfully." Abaddon chuckled.

Nope. Definitely not ok. He struggled to get his hand to move.

"And then Crowley will watch his son die… and then the king himself… and blade destroyed."

Did she just threaten his blade? Oh no. she would pay for that one.

"That's quite a to-do list."

If it was before the blade Dean would have been talking by now. But as of the moment his mind and body weren't really worried about that part. All he knew was that he had to kill that bitch. He looked at the blade and tried again. Aha! His hand was moving. He didn't even notice the mark was burning.

He did notice that Abaddon was not happy about his actions. She frowned and applied more force. Of course Dean wasn't noticing. There was a ring in his ear, blocking everything except the task ahead. Kill. Abbadon.

His feet touched the floor and he glared at the bitch. She moved her hand again, this time Dean stumbled but didn't hit the wall. He started walking towards the demon.

Another spin. A kind of wind started at the collide of the forces. Dean had never felt more powerful in his life. Not even when he was a vampire.

Another push from Abbadon. The blade was thrown away from his grip and he hit the wall again.

She smiled but Dean wasn't scared. He knew he would kill her. But he really liked to do it sooner. His brain was getting impatient. He could now feel the burn of the mark.

He glared at the blade and it was like his body was calling the missing piece. He felt the link like an invisible thread and he pulled at it. The blade shook a little at its place before it was forced back into his tight grip. Aha! Now we're talking. He came down on the floor again and he started walking to the bitch. He didn't even blink as he forced the blade in her body and it felt good to push her up in the air, holding off nothing but his blade. She was dying just like any normal demon. Read light flashing from her eyes and mouth and were the blade was in her body. He pulled it out and she fell to the floor, very much dead. But he wasn't satisfied. He kneeled on the floor and started punching here face with the hand holding the blade. Her face broke and blood came flooding out, making his hands red and wet. He punched her again and again. The blood was now splashing on his face and he could smell it. It was satisfying. He doesn't know how long he kept at it but when he was finally satisfied, there wasn't much of her face left and his sleeves were soaked in blood. He let go of the blade and it was like at that same moment he realized what he had done. He felt sick a little but there was no fear or regret in his mind. He liked the rush of power in his body. He looked at Crowley and smirked.

"I think it's safe to say she's dead for good." he got to his feet and handed his knife to Crowley.

"Gotta say, didn't give her enough credit. She used our trick on you."

Crowley oddly didn't say anything and just took the knife, struggling to get the bullet out.

If Dean didn't know better he'd say Crowley was scared of him.

Dean fished his phone out and ignored the hundred missed calls from Sam. He dialed Cas' phone and oh it felt so good to say those words as soon as Cas picked up.

"The bitch is dead. We can get to the heaven situation now."

"Dean? Dean where are you?"

"None of your business. What do you got on the angel case? Any news?"

Castiel seemed like he wanted to comment on the whole Sam and mark so Dean continued.

"I don't wanna hear a word about the mark Cas. Or Sam."

"Dean! your brother can help." Alright. That sounded logical.

"Fine. The news?"

"I can't tell you over the phone!"

"Oh you're kidding me right?"

"No Dean… this is not a subject I would joke about."

Dean took a breath. Fucking angels.

"Text me the address. I'll take Sam too."

"Be careful Dean."

Dean hung up and turned the car to the bunker. It wasn't far from where he was at the moment.

Sam was reading the notebook. Dean's handwriting was familiar and it made him feel better. He checked on his phone. He must have left Dean a hundred messages. God dammit. He slid his hands on his face to rub the sleep out. He wanted to keep reading. He needed to know more about Dean. not the Dean he thought he knew. This Dean was different. This was a side Sam would swear no one had seen before. The next name in the notebook made him think about those first months he was hunting with Dean.

_**Cassie. I went out with her today. Again. This makes it 4 times.**_

_**She makes me forget. She doesn't look at me like I'm a freak. She doesn't sound like she will run away from me. **_

_**I think I might be…**_

Of course Dean hadn't written the words. Not even this Dean would confess like this. He smiled. That case they had worked with Cassie. Dean had been so… cute…

Sam sighed and closed the notebook. He was pretty sure how things had gone from there and Dean hadn't written much anymore. It ended with the one he had written before coming to get Sam.

He yawned and looked at his watch. 2 AM. he should get some sleep. He put the notebook away and lied back on his bed.

His last thought before he went to sleep was Dean's words. 'She doesn't look at me like I'm a freak…'

All those years he had thought he was the only one feeling like a freak.

Dean got to the bunker around 4 in the morning and got in the bunker. By the looks of it Sam was asleep. He went straight for his room and fished out his phone, picking an AC/DC song. Haha. Let's see if Sam has missed him.

He pressed play and sure enough Sam started awake, pointing him with a gun. Not the first time he was at this end of Sam's gun or he'd be a bit scared.

"Nice reflexes." Dean looked at his brother trying not to smile. "Better hair."

Sam stared at him for a second.

"Dean! what's wrong with you? I could've shot you!" he paused. "Where the hell have you been? I left you a hundred messages."

Dean leaned and took Sam's boots, throwing them at Sam.

"We got work to do so put on your dancing shoes, let's boogie."

And with that he was out of the room.

Sam lied back on his bed for a few seconds. What the hell?

He got out of his room in 5 minutes going to ask Dean what the hell he was doing.

"Dean! what the hell? Where were you?"

"Sam. You wanted me out, so I got out."

Oh that was rich. Sam had never told Dean he wanted him out. Alright maybe he sounded a bit like it but he never wanted Dean out.

"I never…"

"Yes Sam. You did. Let's just not talk about it. What we always do." He smirked.

Dean was being an asshole and Sam was getting mad again.

"Then why are you back? If you're so sure why are you here?"

"I called Cas. He said there was something going down in Missouri. He said you can help. So I'm here." He was playing with the… was that the first blade?

"What kind of something?"

"He said he couldn't talk about it on the phone." Dean said packing the blade.

"Why?"

"Because he's a weird guy… ok? he's a weird, dorky little guy." Dean said, looking frustrated with the angel and his odd actions.

"But he happens to have an army of angels behind him that even though I hate to say it, if wanna have a shot with Metatrone will might be useful."

Sam frowned.

"Meta… Dean… don't we have to get Abbadon first? Now that you have… the blade?" he pointed at the brown leather covering the blade.

Dean smirked proudly.

"Already have Sammy."

Wow. Dean had… killed the knight of hell. That was…

"And you couldn't answer the fucking phone? Or call me to tell me?" he was getting mad again and Dean was not far behind.

"Sam… I didn't call you back, or answer you because I knew exactly what you would do. You would make sure that you were right along beside me, going into that room.!"

"Oh you mean like we always do? Because we're actually partners in this? And we watch each other's backs?"

"I wouldn't expect you to understand."

"Try me Dean!"

"The first time I touched that blade I knew. I knew that I wouldn't be stopped. I knew I would take down Abbadon and anything else if I had to. And it wasn't a hero thing. You know? It wasn't… it was just calm… I knew… and I had to do it alone Sammy…" Dean knew this conversation would be much harder if he was the old Dean. he wasn't sure if this new guy was ok or not to be honest.

"Oh of course. So it was just another time where you had to protect me!" Sam's words came slapping him. Dean was not going to get mad.

"You could have get napped by Abbadon and she could have bargained her way out. We couldn't afford to screw this up."

"Look... I'm glad it worked out, ok? I am. And I'm glad the blade gives you strength or calm or whatever… but Dean… I gotta say I'm starting to think the blade has been doing something else to you!"

Huh. Newsflash Sam Winchester. You're starting to think? Don't be so hard on yourself brother you're gonna pull a muscle or something. That would be what the old Dean would say.

"Yeah? Like what?"

"I don't know… like something TO YOU… look, till we know what's up why don't we store the blade somewhere safe?"

Somewhere away from you… Dean could hear the unsaid words. Typical Sam. But Dean was not letting this one be Sam's to win. He was gonna stand his ground.

"No!"

"Dean! come on. We don't need the first blade… let's just leave it here…"

"Sam. I decided that the stick that can kill anything, might come in handy. So… sue me!"

"Dean… how many times have we been around this block? Magic that powerful comes with a price and right now we don't know what that price is."

"I'm fine! I'm fan-freaking-tastic." Dean said sarcastically.

"And I'm glad. Honestly. I'm not saying we burry the thing, I'm just saying we just save it for when we really need it… Crowley, Metotrone… the big buss fights. You don't have to have it with you all the time, right? I mean… just leave it… please!"

Dean looked at Sam trying not to laugh at the guy. He so had no idea what he was talking about. But he knew his brother and Sam wouldn't get off the topic. So Dean humored him and put the blade down on the table not trying to hide his sinister smile.

"No problem."

"Thank you…" Sam said before Dean took the duffle and walked away. Dammit. This was not going how Sam had wanted it.

Great. Just great. Everything was going south-ways and Sam felt helpless. Cas lost his army because of Dean, Dean just killed Tessa, Tessa… and he didn't even seem sorry. Sam was scared. Something was up with his brother. He wasn't his brother anymore.

What were they going to do now…

He waited till they were in the bunker, and then he blew up.

"So…Dean? Uh… we gonna talk about this or what?"

"About what? Yeah I lied, but you were being an infant."

"Wow… even for you that apology sucked!"

"Oh I'm not apologizing." Dean had had enough. If they were gonna do this, they'd do it his way.

"I'm telling you how it's gonna be."

"Dean…"

"The blade is the only thing that can kill Metotrone and I am the only one who can use it. So from here on, I'm calling the shots, capiche?" Dean said.

Sam looked like he was gonna explode. And god help him, dean felt good about it.

"Until I put that blade in that douchebag's heart, we are not a team. This is a dictatorship. Now you don't have to like it, but that's how it's gonna be."

Sam just took a breath and went for his room.

He really preferred to spend time with the Dean in the notebook. This new guy wasn't his brother and Sam was scared shitless.


	5. Do you believe in miracles (Part one)

Do you believe in miracles?

Castiel tried to ignore the conversation going on between Sam and Dean. He already had so much to deal with. He couldn't believe he had let his feelings for Dean get him here. Any other human, he had killed them more than once already. And what hurt was that it seemed like Dean did not understand that it was only HIM.

He looked up as Dean came towards him.

"So batteries?" Dean said putting his duffle on the table and sitting in front of Cas.

"I'm fine…" Cas replied not looking at Dean.

"No you're not. How long you got?" Dean said calmly. Too calm for Cas' liking if you asked.

"Long enough to destroy Metotrone I hope." He answered. Fine. Dean wanted to keep things business? All fine with Cas. Just…

"But without an army…"

"Well, hey, you still got us."

Dean, for a brief second was back to himself. He gave Cas his half smile. And it took all he had not to hug the older Winchester that second. Castiel missed his best friend. Dean had been the one helping him become who he was. And now… he was gone and Castiel felt lost.

But he knew he couldn't count on a half smile. He looked down from those fierce green eyes, wondering if Dean still knew who Castiel was. How he was.

"Dean…"

He paused looking back up.

"hose bombers… you don't really think that I…" He couldn't even finish his question but thankfully he didn't have to. Dean as always, knew what he meant.

"Cas… you just gave up an entire army for one guy…" he looked back in Cas' eyes as if saying 'I know it wasn't just one guy, and it was me but still…' and continued. "No… there's no way that you blew those people away."

Castiel nodded somehow feeling lighter.

"You really think we three will be enough?"

"We always have been." Dean answered. But it wasn't right. The way he said 'we' just didn't quite stand well with Cas. It felt… wrong. Maybe it was because of the previous conversation he had overheard. Dictatorship? That was more of an 'I' than a 'we'.

But then he smiled and God help him, Cas was gone. He would believe every word this man told him.

Then they heard footsteps and everything went to hell.

"Guys!" Sam called and Dean and Castiel got out of their chairs. It was him. Gadreel. In the banker. Oh no…

"I'm not here to fight…" Gadreel said holding his hands in the air.

"I thought about what you said. You're right. Metotrone… he's…"

Castiel was looking at he way Dean was standing. He was ready to attack.

"Something needs to be done."

"And we should trust you why?" Sam asked clenching his teeth.

"Because I can give him to you. I know where Metotrone is. I know everything. I know the bummers. They were HIS agents not yours."

Castiel looked down. He wanted to trust this angel but he had a reputation of trusting the wrong people.

"You don't trust me, fine. I understand… I've… made mistakes. But haven't you? Haven't we all…?" Gadreel looked at them.

"At least give me a chance!" he said with total helplessness.

Dean looked at Sam and… he raised his brows as if saying 'he has a point…' huh. He might have fooled Cas and Sam but not Dean. That son of a bitch had killed Kevin. Dean's family. You don't just walkaway from killing a Winchester.

He stepped forward, raising his left hand to shake Gadreel's. Gadreel took his hand and Dean held it. No one even noticed the blade in his hold, not until after he took it out and hit the bastard.

Immediately he felt Cas and Sam running towards them. The blade had split Gadreel's chest pretty bad. But it wasn't enough. Dean needed to kill that asshole. He NEEDED to kill him. But Sam and Cas were holding him back and he couldn't do much except roaring without hurting them.

Enough was enough. He twisted and Sam and Cas let go of his arms, being thrown backwards. Sam stood in his way though.

"Drop the blade Dean." He shouted.

"Move!" Dean said really not in the mood for a lecture. He needed to kill dammit!

"Dean…"

"Sam! Move!" Dean was getting really, really impatient. That's why he didn't feel Cas jumping him from behind. The angel took him in his grip and Sam launched forward fighting for the blade.

"Let it go… let it go…!" Sam said looking in his brother's eyes. They weren't Dean's eyes anymore. His brother was lost.

They dragged him to the dungeon, pushing him inside and stepped in.

"The hell if you think I'm riding the pine on this one guys." He said, really mad.

"Look. Something is wrong with you Dean. And until we figure out what, this is where you have to stay."

Dean looked at Cas. He was kidding right? No? huh. Peachy.

"Oh and you two are gonna do what? Take on Metotrone yourselves? Oh that's smart." damn if Sam was the smarter brother. What the hell?

"Oh no, wait. You…" he looked at Cas. "You lost your angel army. And you" he looked back at Sam. "Now you're trying to lock up the one guy who has a shot at killing the son of a bitch. Hell of a plan fellas!" Yes, really brilliant guys. One of these days be ready for your Nobel prizes.

He stared at them hoping they would change their minds. Because it was just stupid to keep him here wasn't it?

But then they turned and walked out. Oh no.

"look, hey…guys?!" he walked forward but the door was shot in his face. Son of a bitch.

"Sam… Sammy?' dammit.

Dean took a deep breath. God dammit. What had he come to? What had they come to? He sat on the floor as his mind rushed back to 6 years ago, when he had done the same thing to Sam. Bobby had helped him…

God Bobby… he missed the guy so much… he closed his eyes and wished he could go back to when he was 26.

He would never go after Sam, that he knew for sure. When he thought back to those first months… dear lord, what had Dean done to his little brother?

He knew Sam had read his journal… stupid journal… He knew because the notebook was on Sam's bedside when he went to get him last night.

He slid a hand down his face. This was bad…

After weeks, he now had time to think… he had avoided it so hard but… now he had nothing else but thinking to do. So he sat there, and thought back to the past weeks. Kevin… oh god…

He could still hear Sam's words in his head clear as day. All the conversations he had with Sam.

"Come on man… can't you see? I'm poison… Sam…people get close to me, they get killed… or worse… you know I tell myself that I help more people than I hurt and I … I tell myself that I'm doing it all for the right reasons… and I believe that… but I can't… I WON'T… drag anybody to the mock with me… Not anymore…"

"Go… I'm not gonna stop you… but don't go thinking that's the problem cause it's not… just go…"

"Something's broken here, Dean…"

"I'm not saying that it's not… I … I just think we need to put a couple of Ws on the board and get passed all these…"

"I don't think so… you know I wish… but… we don't see things the same way anymore… our roles in this whole thing. Back in that church, talking me out of boarding up hell? Or tricking me into letting Gadreel possess me? I can't trust you… not the way I thought I could… not the way I should be able to…"

That one had hurt. He couldn't trust Dean? His own brother? Dean gave up everything for Sam and…

"Ok… look… whatever happened, we are family… ok?"

If Dean thought the last sentence hurt, this next one wrecked him for good.

"You say that like it's a cure all. Like it can change the fact that everything that ever went wrong between us has been because we are family."

"So what? We're not family now?" it hit Dean right then… Sam not only didn't trust him anymore, or respected him… he didn't love Dean anymore either… and it hurt.

"I'm saying you wanna work? Lets work… if you wanna be brothers…"

And he had left it there… just like that.

"This isn't about what I said the other day, is it?"

"Oh about the 'we're not supposed to be brothers'? Nah, don't fire yourself, I don't break that easy…"

_Yes, it is. I'm shattered Sammy… take it back… please…_

"Oh good… cause I was just being honest."

"Oh yeah… I got that loud and clear…"

_You broke my heart little brother… and I have nothing else…_

And of course that last one… The one that lead to…

"You know, Sam, I saved your hide back there. And I saved your hide at that church... And the hospital. I may not think things all the way through. Okay? But what I do, I do because it's the right thing. I'd do it again."

"And that... is the problem. You think you're my savior, my brother, the hero. You swoop in, and even when you mess up, you think what you're doing is worth it because you've convinced yourself you're doing more good than bad... But you're not."

Dean stared at Sam, with a blank expression. If he wanted to show any emotion he'd be tearing up.

"I mean, Kevin's dead, Crowley's in the wind. We're no closer to beating this angel thing. Please tell me, what is the upside of me being alive?"

Dean would be furious if he wasn't so shocked. What the hell?

"You kidding me? You and me… fighting the good fight together."

Sam sighed in frustration ant for a moment Dean thought he was gonna leave, but then he decided to explain apparently. He came into the kitchen and sat down across from Dean. Dean drew back unconsciously. Just like a hurt puppy who was expecting more kicks.

"Okay. Just once, be honest with me. You didn't save me for me. You did it for you…"

Ok… now Dean was lost. What on god's earth was Sam talking about?

"What are you talkin' about?"

"I was ready to die. I was ready. I should have died, but you... You didn't want to be alone, and that's what all this boils down to. You can't stand the thought of being alone."

Dean had stood up. What? Sam thought he was afraid to be alone? He had been the one who never made any friends growing up, just so he wouldn't have a reason to leave his little brother and go out. He was the one who had spent 4 years alone, cause he couldn't face their dad for throwing Sammy out. He was the one who gave up on everything he had, more than once so Sammy wasn't alone. And now…

"All right."

"I'll give you this much. You are certainly willing to do the sacrificing as long as you're not the one being hurt."

Dean took in a sharp breath. Who was Sam even talking about?

"All right, you want to be honest? If the situation were reversed and I was dying, you'd do the same thing."

_Please Sammy… you know you would… we both know…_

Dean had thought.

"No, Dean. I wouldn't. Same circumstances...I wouldn't…"

Dean had felt the blade handle-deep in his heart. Sam was looking into his eyes and saying he'd rather let Dean die.

Dean sat back and just thought. His mind flew back to years ago… and he couldn't stop anymore.


	6. Do you believe in miracles (Part two)

**_hey guys so... here it is... it turned out to take more than what i expected it to. i spent the last 3 days watching season 1 and 2 and the last 3 episodes of season 9 again, and i cried all the while i was writing this. i hope you guys like it. next chapter i'm gonna go and do the part on Castiel. also you should all know, this story involves both some Destiel and Wincest. i don't think i will have any love smut in it, unless i'm asked to._**  
**_and well... just a little over an hour ago sth really bad happened to me. i'm gonna write about it in the end notes cause this chapter is just so pure Dean and Sam that i dont wanna ruin ur mind with MY problems while u read it._**  
**_enjoy.:)_**

* * *

Dean started coughing and it felt weird. It kept going on and when he looked at his hand, the red color matched the taste of iron in his mouth. It was blood. What the hell? Was he dying? He was, wasn't he? And maybe it was for the best… it wasn't like anyone was gonna miss him anyway. And he was gonna make sure to bring as many evil sons of bitches down with him as he could.

But before, he had an unfinished business. He had to let Sam know he was never selfish. He had to let his baby brother know why he had done what he had done.

Dean sat down, leaning back to a wall and started writing on the papers he had found somewhere in the corner. He thought back to all those years ago, when he had gotten Sammy for that first hunt, looking for dad. He remembered begging Sammy, to stop blaming himself for Jessica's death. He knew, HE was the one to blame. HE was the one who had pulled Sammy out in the middle of the night.

He remembered that shape shifter, telling his little Sammy he was jealous of him. It wasn't true… he loved Sammy and he was really happy that he had gotten those years of normalcy. Safety.

Not that it mattered. Dean had taken it all away. God knows he never wanted to be selfish… he was just trying to protect his little brother. What he never got to tell Sam was that, he didn't go to get Sammy because he was scared for himself. He went, because after their dad went missing, Dean was terrified that something was gonna happen to Sammy and he wouldn't be there to save him.

Of course not all of it had been a lie. Dean KNEW he was a freak. And everyone around him knew it too. That's why he always ended up alone. Mom left him, Sammy left, Dad left…

He sure remembered Sam telling that bug kid, how he could run away to college. And goddammit it still hurt.

He remembered home… that place… he agreed to go with Sammy, when he had sworn… his whole adulthood he had stayed out of there but… for Sammy he went.

And as if it couldn't ever get worse, that stupid text, and the asylum. Sam's words still burned through his brain.

"I'm getting pretty tired of taking your orders." "For once in your life just shut your mouth." Hell, Sam had downright shut him. "I am normal, I'm just telling the truth for the first time. I mean why are we even here? Cause you're following dad's orders like a good little soldier? Cause you always do what he says without question? Are you that desperate f his approval? That's the difference between you and me. I have a mind of my own… I'm not pathetic like you!"

Pathetic huh? He had handed a gun to Sam, and he had taken it. Hell, he had pulled the trigger. He hated his big brother that much. He was so stupid. He should have seen the signs from the get go. But he kept indulging himself with the idea, that Sam never meant any of those. Well, here they were, 9 years later, and Sam wasn't even possessed when he told Dean that he was selfish. He never understood that he had tried to keep Sammy away.

He never understood that he had tried to keep Sammy away from their dad cause he knew there was danger near that man. He was so obsessed with killing that demon, he didn't even realize how dangerous it could get for his family.

He remembered calling Sam a selfish bastard. Had it hurt Sam as much to hear that word as it hurt Dean? Selfish?

He had called Sammy and apologized of course. He had told him he needed to live his own life. He almost told him he wished he was like him. And he had told Sammy that he was proud of him. Cause he was.

But was he really to blame for thinking Sam cared? He still remembered that reaper ass dude, he had been ready to die… but Sam had tried so hard…

Dean smiled to himself, he also remembered that John hadn't even picked up the phone.

Then those nightmares had started and Dean had been going crazy. He was worried out of his mind.

Meg… that bitch. She had killed everyone around them. And that fight. It was the first time he let his emotions out. He had just wanted a family.

He remembered that spoon picture and fished his phone out going to his gmail. It only took him a minute to go through all the pics. He stopped taking and saving pictures of Sam after he came back from the pit, soulless.

He thought of all the father-son fights between Sam and John. That last hunt. Sam telling him how grateful he was that Dean had his back all the time… that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach…

And that conversation. He could still remember every word. He had been so scared of losing his baby brother.

"I mean it. If hunting this demon means you getting yourself killed… then I hope we never find the damn thing."

"That thing killed Jess… That thing killed Mom."

**"**You said it yourself once … that no matter what we do, they're gone. And they're never coming back."

"Don't you say that! Not you... not after all this, don't you say that."

"Sam, look... The three of us, that's all we have… It's all I have… Sometimes I feel like I'm barely holding it together, man… Without you and Dad..."

Man… he had really screwed up…

Then the hospital and the "I need you to take care of Sammy…" that asshole. Why did he have to put so much on Dean's shoulders?

He remembered when he was caught for that case. Part of him wanted to be known guilty and killed. He just wanted out…

Dammit, that crossroads… he wanted to change places with dad… and Gordon… man he hated Gordon so much. The man was a monster. A full on creepy ass.

Dean was in tears by the time he remembered Sam's first death. Except for when he jumped in the pit, that had been the hardest time for Dean in his life.

He remembered the conversation with Bobby… poor guy had to deal with Dean…

"Something big is going down, end of the world big…"

"Well then LET IT END!"

"You don't mean that."

"You don't think so? Huh? You don't think I've given enough? You don't think I've paid enough? I'm done with it, all of it. If you know what's good for you, you turn around and get the hell out of here. GO!"

He was still ashamed of yelling at Bobby.

He remembered very well his one sided dialogue with his dead Sammy… man it hurt so much…

In fact it still hurt, cause he still could say all of that shit. All these years, he had tried so hard and still… maybe this time he could tell Sam all of it before one of them died again…

He started coughing again and he knew there was not much left to write. This was enough. He looked around and started gathering what he needed to summon Crowley. They were gonna do this, one way or another.

He drew the trap and lighted the ingredients and instantly Crowley appeared inside the Devil's Trap.

"What's that smell?" he said being the smart ass he always was.

Dean looked at him trying to hide his previous emotions.

"What the hell's happening to me, you son of a bitch?"

"Liquor before beer, bad taco? How should I know?"

"I can't turn it off! Ever since I killed Abaddon, it's … It's like this whole...other thing. I get this high and I..I… I need to kill. I mean, I really, really need to kill. And if I don't …"

He left the sentence unfinished.

"You yak your guts out. It's the mark."

Smartass.

"Meaning?"

"It wants you to kill. The more you kill, the better you feel. The less you kill, the less better you feel."

"How much less better?"

"One would imagine the least-best better."

"So dead? Well, Cain had the mark. He didn't die."

"Cain was a demon. Your body's not strong enough to contain the blade's power."

Dean held his arm with the mark on it.

"What if I got rid of it?"

"You want to get rid of it?"

Dean didn't need to think too much about that.

"What I want is Metatron."

"Go on."

"But I have to get through that door, and I have to get to the blade. And you're gonna help me."

Sam was freaking out. Dean… how could he leave like that? Dind't he understand they were trying to help him?

"Dean, pick up the phone. Call me back. I'm not kidding, all right? Don't do this. Not like this."

He left 10th message in row on Dean's phone.

"Are you sure it was Crowley?" Castiel asked.

"Who else would he summon? I mean, he and Crowley have been bromancing over the Blade ever since Dean got the mark."

Castiel looked away. He almost looked out of place. Poor guy, wasn't used to being replaced. It had taken years for Sam to get used to it. And now, Cas was replaced with a demon. And Sam knew by experience that it hurt.

"The mark?" Gadreel asked saving them both.

"The mark of Cain." Castiel brushed him off.

"So that's what Dean cut me with … the First Blade. In a way, that could be useful." Gadreel said, clrealy thinking of something.

"What?" Sam asked not believing it.

"Well, Metatron is more powerful than ever, but if Dean has the First Blade and the mark, that might give us our best chance." He said, trying to reason Sam.

"You're joking, right? An hour ago, we were ready to throw Dean into a padded cell, and now you say

he's our best chance?" Sam was now on his feet.

"Hear him out, Sam." Castiel said trying to bring back peace.

"Oh, right. Excuse me. Sorry, guys. Uh, sorry I'm a little less than eager to hear that our best chance is … Is arming the warhead and hoping it hits the mark. This is not a bomb we're talking about. This is my brother."

'The one I haven't been looking out for in a while but I will kill anyone if they try to get him in any trouble.' He thought.

"And your brother would not be in this alone. We can help." Gadreel said.

"How?" why was Sam even listening to this?

"I believe Metatron has found a way to tap into the Angel tablet, harnessing its power to give him powers equivalent to…"

"God, right? I mean, that's what this is all about, isn't it? Metatron wants to be God."

Gadreel just nodded.

"Great, well, that basically makes him unstoppable."

Castiel was becoming tired of these people trying to decide for HIS human but, hey… heaven was at stakes here.

"Not if we can break the connection between Metatron and the tablet. That would make him just an ordinary Angel. Where's the tablet?"

"Metatron's office." Gadreel answered.

"In heaven?" Sam asked still not sure about this plan.

"I can get us to the door."

"And then what? I mean, why would they let you in? If Metatron's number two shows up with heaven's most wanted, the gig is up."

Castiel took a breath.

"Sam, we have to try…"

Dean and Crowley pulled up to the RV park and Dean sighed as he saw Sam standing next to the RV they'd stopped by.

Dean turned to Crowley muttering under his breath.

"I got this."

He got out of the car and walked up to his young brother. Sam looked really annoyed and the sight hurt Dean. Well, he would soon be gone and Sam could finally take a breath.

"I guess one of us doesn't need a demon to help follow a clue trail. You're looking for miracle lady, right? Yeah, she's gone. I had a nice chat with her, though."

Dean had to make something clear though.

"Sam, whatever kind of intervention you think this is, trust me, it ain't. I'm not gonna explain myself to you."

Sam frowned as if he was disappointed a little.

"Yeah, I sort of got that. I just thought you might like to know that while you two have been playing, uh, odd couple, your real friends, like Cas, like the angel you stabbed, Gadreel … they're out there right now risking their asses to help you win this fight…"

Dean was lost now.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Sam pretended Dean hadn't talked and just kept going.

"A fight, I might add, you made that much more complicated when you decided to stab the one angel who could actually get us to Metatron."

Ok, this was rich. Dean had wanted to go in a truce kind of situation but this was totally off the map.

"You mean the angel that took you for a joy ride? The angel that slaughtered Kevin? That angel?"

Sam was done with this whole 'I'm the boss, so I'm always right' attitude of Dean too, and he decided it was time to throw his last card.

"Who you let in the front door in the first place. You tricked me, Dean. And now I'M the one who wakes up in the middle of the night seeing MY hands killing Kevin, not you. So, please, when you say you don't want to explain anything to me, don't. I get it…"

Sam paused and Dean just kept staring at his brother. Man, if he felt bad before, he was ready to jump off a cliff now. Sam had pushed him so far away that Dean hadn't even had the chance to be there for him after that night. Maybe it wasn't a good thing they had separated rooms now at all…

When Sam realized Dean wasn't gonna say anything, he continued.

"I get it. And I also get that Metatron has to go. And I know you're our best shot to do that…"

Dean took a deep breath examining things in his head. He wasn't gonna let Sam drown in this with him.

"I'm gonna take my shot, for better or worse."

"I know."

Sam looked sad now. Huh.

'No you don't' Dean thought.

"No matter the consequences." That ought to clarify it for Sam.

"I know. But if this is it, we're gonna do it together…"

Sam nodded with the same sad expression, as if to tell Dean he really DID know what his older brother meant.

There it was, the sentence Dean had thought he'd never hear Sammy say again. 'We're gonna do it together.'

"You want to know what he whispered to her, right, in the video? His next stop."

"So what are we all gollywagging on about? Chop-chop."

Crowley's voice almost startled Dean from near the car. He had forgotten there was another being nearby. He turned in total sync with Sam, and he knew that Sam's face was showing the same expression of 'Get lost before I kill you'.

Maybe there WAS a way for them to fix this…

"Excuse me. I'm not exactly demon Minion number three here. As the kids say, I've got mad skills."

Ok, first thing's first. The douchebag had to leave. He walked right up to the demon's face not bothering to sugar coat anything.

"Look, I don't know what you expected here, okay. I don't really care, but you wanted off the hamster wheel, Get off."

Crowley looked, if Dean didn't know better he'd use hurt or… dumped maybe?

"Well, I guess I've been Winchestered. I'd wish you boys good luck... If I thought it would help."

And with that he was gone.

Dean was digging around in the Impala's trunk, parked outside the homeless community later that night. His right hand was shaking uncontrollably until he laid it on the covered blade. Fuck. He was reacting to the power radiating off the blade and he almost hated how good it felt.

Sam walked up to Dean, unnoticed by his brother. He could see very well how Dean was getting high from the blade's power. He let out a loud breath letting Dean know he's there and Dean whipped his hand off the blade.

"Anything?"

"Uh, yeah. He's up there. About a mile up the road. There's a homeless encampment. The way the folks are talking, he's got them convinced he's some kind of new Jesus or something."

Dean nodded. That just sounded so wrong. He hated ass-hats who tried to become God. Yeah, that included Cas too. Of course he never stayed mad at the angel for too long. He wished he could see the guy once more before…

"You good?"

Sam broke his trail of thoughts. Dean nodded giving Sam the half smile.

"Yeah, I'm good."

Sam looked at him knowingly. Hell, he didn't even believe that lie himself. He wasn't ok, not a bit. Sam reached over and picked up the First Blade, handing it to his brother in silence.

Dean understood the act very well. It was just like when he gave Sammy demon blood right before he went to say yes to Lucifer.

It was a white flag.

"Listen, Sammy, about, um, you know, the last couple of months..." Dean was trying so hard to keep it together. He needed Sam to know that all was forgiven. Before it was too late…

"I know." Sam cut his sentence looking at him, saying he too, had forgiven and forgotten everything.

"So, before we find something else to fight about...tell me...Are you ready to gut this bitch?"

His little Sammy joked, just like before all this crap started and… Dean was sure right at that second. He couldn't risk hurting this precious human being anymore. He wouldn't put his little Sammy in danger anymore.

So as Sam turned back around to face his brother, Dean threw a punch and knocked him out cold.

He kneeled next to his unconscious brother and gently laid his sprawled hand on his chest to get it off the ground. Sam was so beautiful, just as he had always been. Dean kind of wished he could keep his little brother like this, settled and safe forever.

"Sorry, little brother. It's not your fight."

He said before he got up, going to what he knew for sure, was gonna be his last battle alone.

He had a small chat with the homeless people and took the final steps to the angel who was claiming to be God now. Maybe he was going down, but he was gonna make damn sure he went down swinging. He was gonna bring Metatron down and he was gonna make his Sammy proud again.

All he wanted was that when he died, Sam would think of him as a hero not a prison guard. Remember him as the big brother who always protected him not the one who messed everything up. The guy he trusted with his life, not the guy he couldn't even trust with his weapons.

Dean found Metatron stilling in a meditation pose on the floor at the back of the warehouse as he walked down the stairs.

"You can save the humble-pie Jesus routine for somebody who gives a damn."

"The problem with you, Dean, is the cynicism. Always with the cynicism. But most people … even the real belly crawlers living in filth...Or Brentwood...They don't want to be cynical. They just want something to believe in."

Metatron didn't even move, as if he was trying to piss Dean off on purpose. Fine with Dean.

"And that'd be you." He spat the words out as if they were too ridiculous to even say out loud.

"Why not me?"

Seriously? He had to ask? Wasn't it obvious? Hell, it was the reason he hated the whole Christian thing from the get go too. They were all the same. Using the power of the religion to get what they want. It was just wrong.

"You've been working those people outside for, what, a day? They've already spilled blood in your name. You are nothing but Bernie Madoff with wings."

Huh! That brought the asshole to his feet. Guess he had hit a sore spot.

"So I'm a fake. Do you have any idea how much pan-cake makeup and soft lighting it took to get God to work a rope line? He hated it. And, you know, humans sense that. So they prayed harder and longer and fought more wars in his name. And for what?! So they could die of malaria? Leukemia? And all the while, blaming themselves! "Oh, if only I'd been more prayerful, God would have loved me! God would have saved me!" You know what?! God didn't even know their name! But I do. Because I've walked among them. And I can save them."

Dean gave him his 'yeah, ok' look.

"Sure, you can. So long as your mug is in every Bible and 'What would Metatron do?' is on every bumper."

"And? What, are you blaming me for giving them what they want, giving them a brand they can believe in?"

Dean started unwrapping the First Blade in his hand.

"I'm blaming you for Kevin! I'm blaming you for taking Cas' Grace. Hell, I'm blaming you for the Cubs not winning The World Series in the last 100 freaking years. Whatever it is... I'm blaming you."

"The First Blade. Nasty piece of work, isn't she? Okay, let's say you win, Dean, and I die. What's the world

left with then, hmm? A herd of panty-waisted angels and you? Half out of your mind with lord knows what pumping through those veins?"

Dean stepped up closer to the angel, staring him dead in the eyes.

"Yeah, you see, the only thing you've said that went into my ear was that you die."

"Ohh. Fine. We'll fight. I don't know what you expect is gonna come of all this. Unless... That's why you're stalling. Because you know nothing's gonna come of this unless your pals succeed upstairs. Well, here's a news flash - humpty and dumpty are starring in their very own version of "Locked Up Abroad: Heaven" right now."

Dean turned to the side to hide his anger and then threw out his hand to stab Metatron with the Blade but the angel blocked the blow and Dean punched him in the face with his left hand. The angel stumbled back smirking excited.

"Wow, that big blade and that... douchey tribal tat sure gave you some super juice. Whoo! Okay."

He motioned with his hand to bring it on. Dean rushed towards him but got thrown in the air midway and hit the wall about 10 feet up and fell to the ground with a crash. He got to his feet and tried to go forward again. But Metatron flung him back against the wall and he fell to the floor again, viciously kicking Dean's right arm and the First Blade flew out of his hand.

Then he stepped on his wrist with all his weight.

"So, you took Abaddon's scalp, then you figured you'd take on little old nebbishy me. What could go wrong?"

Dean groaned in pain as Metatron's foot crushed his wrist bones.

"And you're powered by the bone of a jackass, and it is just awesome, right? Here's a tip … next time, try to be powered by the word of God."

The angel said, kicking Dean in the chest.

He was beating the living daylights out of Dean, punching him almost unconscious and Dean slumped to the ground. There was blood pouring from his nose and mouth and ears...

Metatron bended down and delivered one more brutal punch to Dean's once perfect human at his feet was barely conscious.

Dean somehow managed to open his eyes just enough to see the blade a few yards away. He used the little strength he had left, willing the blade into his hand.

Just as he was going to swing up and stab the Blade into the angel's heart, he buried an angel blade deep into Dean's chest with both hands.

No, no, no, no… this was not how it was supposed to go.

Dean gasped horribly as the sound of his blood pouring out of his body reverberated in the open warehouse and his ears.

"No-o-o!" Sam got in just in time to see the blade pushed handle-deep in his brother's chest. He felt the sharp pain in his chest, as if he had been stabbed too.

Everything felt slow motion as Dean gasped for air.

Metatron pulled the blade out of Dean's chest as the old Winchester's eyes slowly moved to meet the younger one's across the warehouse.

'No… No not in front of my Sammy…' was everything that was going through Dean's head.

The brothers shared a gaze as Dean's life started to ebb away.

Sam felt like he was frozen. This was just some kind of nightmare. He was still on the ground by the car unconscious. That was why he felt so cold. Yeah that made much more sense than…

Dean's nearly lifeless body fell over and Sam all but ran to his big brother, ignoring the angel, the killer, standing right there, his angel blade dripping with Dean's blood.

Sam grabbed his brother's upper arm and pulled him back into a sitting position against the wall...

No… this can't be happening to him. Not again. All of a sudden he remembered every single time he had to hold Dean till he went cold. He had done it 102 times till now, not to mention the times Dean had just disappeared. And yet, he wasn't used to it. He'd never get used to watching his brother die.

No! not this time. Not when they had so much shit lingering between them.

"Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey."

Dean's eyes shot open as the warehouse started to shake. It was only then that Sam remembered Metatron and the task at hand.

He grabbed the angel blade and got to his feet to stab the angel just a second too late. The asshole disappeared.

Sam got back to his knees by Dean's side, trying desperately to press a cloth to his brother's gaping chest wound as Dean struggled to talk weakly. It was killing Sam.

"Sammy, you got to get out of here before he comes back..."

Typical Dean. Putting Sam's life before his.

"Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh… Shut up… Shut up… Just save your energy, all right? Oh, man. We'll stop the bleeding. We'll … we'll get you a doctor or … Or I'll find a spell... You're gonna be okay…"

His mind was racing so fast. The only permanent thing was 'save Dean'. He didn't even care how anymore. He would sell his soul. Dean can't die like this. Not like this.

He took Dean's hand and pressed it to his chest to keep the cloth in place. This was bad. But he could handle it, right?

Apparently Dean had other things in mind.

"Listen to me. It's better this way…" he said weakly causing Sam to freeze again. What the hell?

"What?!"

Dean gasped, blinking the blood out of his eyes.

"The Mark… It's making me into something I don't want to be…"

He sounded so… Sam could say peaceful. He sounded relieved.

"Don't worry about the Mark. We'll figure out the Mark later. Just hold on, okay? Let's get you some help."

Sam said pulling his brother's arm over his shoulder and grabbing him around the waist and hauled him up. The movement caused Dean to moan in pain and agony.

Sam tried to keep his brother upright as he practically carried him towards the exit. Dean was gasping for air and trying to hold the cloth to his chest all the while knowing he wasn't gonna make it. Not with the effects of the mark.

Sam's hand moved to cover his over the cloth and the wound and Dean felt a bit warmer at the movement. Sammy really wanted him to live.

"What happened with you being okay with this?" he managed to get out.

"I lied." Sam shut back. Of course he had lied. How could he be ok with his big brother dying?

"Ain't that a bitch?"

It was almost funny to Dean. If Sam hadn't tried so hard to hurt Dean, or if Dean had been a bit wiser about the situation, they wouldn't have come to this point. He would have never taken the mark and…

It didn't matter anymore. He was dying. He knew he wouldn't make it back to the car. This was his only chance and he needed to say everything. Not just that he loved Sam. He already knew that. He needed to let Sam know, that everything was ok between them.

"Sam. Hold up. Hold up…"

Sam helped him sit down on a piece of equipment. His brother probably just needed a second to catch his breath and they'd go on.

Only then he noticed the fresh blood covering his brother's lips and mouth...he could barely breathe. Oh God…

He was trying to keep Dean steady and upright, telling himself that he could save his brother like that. If he kept Dean like that, he'd live as long as Sam needed him to. Right?

"I got to say something to you…" Dean choked out with the ghost of a smile on his lips. What was so important that couldn't wait?

"What?"

Dean put his hand on Sammy's shoulder, his little Sammy and he knew at that moment what he had to say. He kept his eyes on Sammy's hazel ones. Those eyes were his whole world. He moved his hand holding Sam's head, his fingers holding on to Sam's long hair. His baby brother had grown up so much.

"I'm proud of us…" he choked out. This was it. These were his last seconds and he couldn't have imagined a better way to die. He had always known he would die on a battlefield and getting to be held by his little Sammy as he died was just a bonus. He patted Sam's cheek once and everything went blurry.

Sam's eyes were stinking with tears as he looked into Dean's beautiful green eyes, slowly fading away. No. no. Dean had to live. Please God, please no.

Dean's hand fell from Sammy's face and he closed his eyes and falling into his little brother's chest. 'This is perfect' he thought as he took in his last breath and everything went black.

Sam was torn between holding his brother and making him sit upright. He clearly needed time to get back up right? That was it. Dean was gonna be ok.

'No, no… Hey, hey, hey... Hey, wake up, buddy…"

Sam finally pulled Dean back up, not wanting to believe what the limpness pointed to. His big brother was already gone.

He grasped Dean's bloody face with both hands and gently shook him. Please. Please let this be a bad joke.

"Hey…Dean…" he held on tighter begging every god anywhere who was listening to give him his brother back. Please.

"Dean!"

He was… Sam let his tears fall and a sob shook his whole body in pain. Who ever said a broken heart didn't hurt physically.

Tears fell down his face and he broke down completely. Oh god… his big brother was gone and he was all alone. Again…

He brought Dean's head to his chest and held him tightly as he sobbed.

The sound of his heart-wrenching sobs was the only thing echoing in the warehouse, reminding him how lonely he was.

What was it with Dean and making Sam need him so much and then leaving him all alone in this world?

He held his brother tightly and fell to his knees, crying in his brother's still warm shoulder. How was he supposed to do it this time?

He didn't know how long it took him to finally get to his feet. The time was lost to him. It didn't matter anymore anyway, did it?

His Dean was gone. The world had lost a certain shade of green and Sam never cared about any other color but green.

He held Dean's lifeless body bridal style and took him to the car, laying him down on the back seat. He had no clear idea of his destination. He needed time and place to think this through. He was gonna bring Dean back. Dean needed to be back. They still had unfinished business.

The whole process of him taking Dean to the bunker and putting him in his bed on his back was a blur to Sam.

He went to his room to get his books. He was gonna bring Dean back and that was that.

That was when he found a letter on his pillow. Obviously, it had been written and folded quickly. He took the papers and immediately recognized the large font of the handwriting. Dean… even his writing was larger than life.

If he hadn't been crying for hours already this would bring tears to his eyes. Dean had left him a letter. He had known that he was dying.

He unfolded the papers, and started reading.

_**Hey ya Sammy. **_

_**I don't have much time, but this is important so I'm not going to cut it short. They say at the final hours of your life, everything flashes before your eyes. I have died many times now, but this is the first time I have time to stop and think about it all. **_

_**What you said, it's killing me, so I wanna set the record straight. I know you have read my journal, and maybe this will shed some light on our years together for you, and the 'why' behind my actions.**_

_**You know, I never forgave myself for pulling you back in the life. I never will. So for that, I'm sorry. But I never meant for any of this to happen. I was so scared, with dad missing, that something was gonna happen to you, and I wouldn't be there to save you. That's why I came for you Sammy.**_

_**Remember that shape shifter? That asshole. He was lying you know. I mean yeah, I always knew what a freak I was but… I never, never felt jealous. I was proud of you. And… well I told you when I was on that scarecrow case. I was so proud that you knew what you wanted. It kinda made me feel like I had raised you right.**_

_**You know, you shut me, when that freak doctor was messing with your mind, and you told me I was pathetic for following dad's orders. I should have seen this day coming Sammy… right when those words left your mouth I should have…**_

Sam felt sick. He'd never meant those words. Never. Dean was his hero. He… he took a deep breath and kept on reading.

_**I'm sorry, but I was just trying to keep you away from dad. From danger. Sammy, you were all I had left and… guess I just needed to protect you, even from dad.**_

Dean never knew how Sam had run back to him. How he left Meg to save him. Because Dean was his family. Hell, he had told Dean, that they were all that was left. He had told Dean, that they would look this thing through together. For a few months, they had… he didn't know what had changed. Somewhere along the way he must have fallen off the track with Dean.

_**You know, deep down I knew you never felt the same as way I did. I mean, I was your brother and you cared but… to me, you were my whole world Sammy… you still are.**_

_**But at times, I just liked to fool myself. Times like that reaper thing. When I was dying for the first time. You were so desperate to save me…**_

Oh God… he remembered that time. He had been so scared that he was gonna lose his big brother.

_**Good God Sammy, when your nightmares first started, I was freaking out. Those headaches. And there was nothing I could do to keep you safe from them. I couldn't do a damn thing to make them stop. You asked me if it was freaking me out and I told you it wasn't. I lied. Big time. It was killing me to see you in pain like that. **_

_**Remember when you asked me if I was afraid you were gonna turn to him? I told you no… cause you had me. Sammy, since I was four, it was just my job to make sure you were gonna be ok. And I kept telling you. Guess you never really heard those words for what they meant. **_

Dean had no idea. He didn't know how seeing him get killed by Max had killed a part of him. After that, he was so glad he had Dean by his side. He couldn't even imagine what would have happened if Dean wasn't there to tell him it wasn't his fault. He had never stopped to think what would have happened if Dean wasn't there to help him every step. His first word had been Dean's name. His first steps were towards his big brother. Dad hadn't really been around much. All he ever had was Dean.

_**Dammit Sammy. Remember that fight? The "I want you not to leave the second this thing is over."? I slipped and that was one of the only times I let you see my emotions. It killed me to think you were gonna leave again. It reminded me how much of a freak I was. You didn't even want to stay near me. The second you lost a reason to be around me, you were gonna take off. Man, I hated myself so much as soon as I said those words. I was young… I just wanted my family back Sammy. I wanted you near me. Hell, a part of me didn't want it to be over. I didn't want to feel like a freak anymore.**_

Sam was in tears again. God… he had no idea Dean would think like that. Not back then at least. Dean had always been this strong figure. Someone Sam thought would never break.

_**I think it was that guilt that made me start the prank crap again. You know, I still have that picture. Saved in my email. And not just that one. Sometimes, I just wanted to save some memories, pictures of you in some more normal times. Sammy, I wanted you to have a safe normal life. You can find them all in the mail. My password is 72669.**_

_**When you smiled… I always loved your smiles Sammy. Even as a baby, you had these cute dimples. And those eyes. I could never resist them. I think it was what I missed the most when I was in hell.**_

_**Man that **__**Shtriga**__**… you know, I still remember how scared I was when… dad almost had my balls, and that wasn't even half as bad as what I did to myself for that night. I let you get so close to being hurt… what if… **_

_**That was the night I swore to myself I would never let you get hurt. Never let you out of my sight again. And I knew, I would never disobey dad again. Maybe that's why I checked up on you in Stanford too.**_

Sam cleared his tears. He wasn't really sure if he wanted to know these stuff. It hurt too much. At least he had time to tell Dean how he really felt before he…

No… he couldn't… his brother was gone… he swallowed and started reading again.

_**God Sammy, I … I tried to push you on to girls… I wanted you happy… even if I was jealous of the girls, for having you in a way I never could, it still bothered me more that you held back so much. I'm sorry for that… for pushing you too much.**_

Huh… typical Dean…

_**And then dad was back and you two were fighting again… man I wish you would just… **_

_**Doesn't really matter anymore. You know I still miss him so much sometimes, but… I stopped feeling so devastated without him right before I went to hell. I was always the one in the middle… the one who ended up alone. You left, he left… **_

_**Dammit, those freaking shit you said, that whole 'in case something happens to me' speech. I wanted to kill you. And wanting to go back in there. I could have throttle you. **_

_**Hell it made me say those…stuff. I'm sorry Sam… for needing you so much. For needing to protect you so much. I'm to blame for all the crap that ever happened. **_

_**You know something, I really did wanna become a fireman. I guess after what happened to mom… huh. You know, I'd love it if you could go and study again. Stanford will probably have you back. Options… **_

_**I guess, when I killed that guy, and Meg, it was when it really hit me you know… the things I would do to save you Sammy… or dad… hell, if I had shut him right then, maybe a lot of the crap wouldn't even happen. The apocalypse… looking back, now I know… it was always my fault.**_

_**But wasn't it kinda funny? I mean, I knew dad was possessed as soon as he said he was proud of me… It's kinda sad maybe. **_

_**That demon was right you know… dad loved you more than he ever loved me. He just wanted his perfect soldier when it came to me. And none of you needed me… I was the one who needed you, I needed to take care of you… I always knew, he didn't even care if I died or not. All he ever cared was that I took care of you. That's why he died instead of me too, you know. He needed me to take care of you. He knew you wouldn't listen to him. You never did. Not even when we were kids. I was the one you listened to. And it sometimes pissed him off. He saved me, to take care of you. Not that I even blame him anyway. Bang job of saving you I did. I wish he had just let me die after that crash. I wish he didn't save me. I wasn't worth it. Cas was right you know… every time I came back to life, it was worse… it's like some kind of punishment. **_

_**I remember, you wanted me to talk to you, you thought I was so depressed cause he was gone. I said too much crap and, I'm sorry. I understand how you needed to make yourself feel better, needed to feel like you made him proud. Truth is, more than his death, I was jacked up about that whole 'If you can't save Sam, you're gonna have to kill him' crap. I was a kid Sam… I was scared. And for that I'm sorry. But… that was what lead to that promise, wasn't it?**_

_**You know, those first weeks, it was hell. I would kill anything… anything. It filled up a big hole inside me I guess. **_

_**But you… you kept me human. Always did… **_

_**Remember when I begged you not to tell Ellen about your abilities? Man, I wish you'd listened to me. **_

_**Hey, between you and me, sometimes I miss Jo. You know, she was like a little sister to me. **_

_**You know Sammy? I wasn't more than 7 when dad got me to shooting. And, I guess that was the only time that he was proud of me. It's killing me Sam… I think if there was one thing I would change in my life it would be him. I'd make him proud. **_

_**Good god, do you remember that weird case? They caught me and… a part of me wanted you to leave me and go… maybe…**_

Sam wondered, did Dean ever know how much Sam loved him? He never knew how that cup had given him a chance to leave everything behind. Turn on Dean and go away… Sam didn't even consider it. And Dean thinking Sam didn't want him as family… well it hurt.

_**You know Sammy, I was very close to bringing dad back. I still don't know how I'm living with it… all the years he spent down there, because of me… you told me that night that we had to keep going because of him. What happened to that Sammy? Sometimes I just think back and I miss YOU. I miss you so damn much little brother… **_

_**Truth is, you stopped being Sammy and you were just Sam around two years ago… after I went to purgatory I think… and nothing else has ever hurt me so much.**_

It was clear Dean had taken a few seconds here, the handwriting was shakier.

_**Sammy, when we thought you had that Croaton thing, it… the thoughts going through my head. I was just too damn tired. You looked at me with those eyes, the eyes I was never able to resist and you told me to leave you… how was I supposed to do that Sammy? How was I supposed to let my baby Sammy get hurt? I couldn't… what else have I ever had in this world except for you? Not that I never had the chance… **_

_**Truth is I never WANTED anything except for you in my life… never needed anything else.**_

_**Man, I wanted to get you away from all that crap… I wish you had just let me Sammy… I wish you'd quit asking… **_

_**But you never did. Not when you were a kid… not then… not ever…**_

_**You know, there was a time that you actually thanked me for trying to save you. Man… what have we become?**_

_**Hey Sam, remember that time you got really drunk? You called me bossy and short. I wanted to laugh, but… then you started with that crap… making me promise I'd… with those damn eyes of yours… **_

_**And then the crazy priest spirit. I don't know, I was much happier when I thought there was no such a thing as angels. I mean yeah, we've seen some good angels along the way, and there's… Cas… but, angels are dicks man. I hate them so much. Maybe even more than demons.**_

_**Son of a bitch, that Meg… you know, everything she did I could get passed, but possessing you… that's the one thing I never let go of... that's why I never trusted her again. Maybe she helped more than she harmed us at the end but…**_

_**Why did you ever think that any of it would change? I told you back then, I'd rather die than to hurt you Sammy… than to watch you get hurt. It's still the same. It will always be the same.**_

_**It's kind of sad, you said the exact same words back then. "Are you really so afraid of being alone that you'd rather let Jo die?"**_

_**You know, although it wasn't really you talking but it hurt to hear you say 'You're worthless' ….**_

_**Remember, after that I told you, when dad told me that I might have to kill you, it was only if I couldn't save you. Now if it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna save you. Always.**_

_**You know, sometimes at night, when I can't sleep, I go back to that dreamland, the one that Jinn put me in… Sammy, everything was amazing in that world, perfect… everything but us. You and me… man, I wanted to stay so much, but even the thought of you not being by my side all the time… it wasn't just that we didn't get along… we could have worked things out… it was all the things we never did. It was the fact that you didn't call me jerk after I called you bitch. It was that you didn't understand my wizard of Oz references. Man, after I realized you were out here in the real world looking for me, I just wanted to rip everything apart. I wanted you to be happy Sammy… I wanted Jess to live, mom… I wanted to have a life… and you said you were glad that we were together… man I wish you still felt like that…**_

_**I'm sorry Sam… I really am. Thinking back to the first time you died… I held you as light left your eyes… I had to hold you as you became limp… it started raining… it washed away all my tears… Sammy how was I supposed to let you go like that? You were all the innocence in the world… every good thing, every kind act… how was I supposed to let you go brother? **_

_**So I didn't even think twice about bringing you back. I'd promised you I would save you and that's what I had to do… it's who I am…**_

_**You know, when you were lying on that bed, I talked to you for hours… I kept drinking and drinking… Bobby tried to get me out… I didn't care about anything anymore Sammy…**_

_**When you were little, couldn't have been more than five, you just started asking questions. How come we didn't have a mom? Why did we always have to move around? Where's Dad? I remember I begged you: "Quit asking, Sammy. You don't want to know." I just wanted you to be a kid, just for a little while longer. Always tried to protect you. Keep you safe. Dad didn't even have to tell me. It was just always my responsibility, you know? It's like I had one job. I had one job, and I screwed it up. I blew it, and for that, I'm sorry. I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. You know, I let Dad down, and now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down, too. How can I? How am I supposed to live with that?**_

_**Truth is maybe if dad hadn't raised me like that, to keep everything in, if I actually talked to you half what I talked during those days, we'd never end up here. And for that too, I'm sorry.**_

_**That time, you told me "**__**You've saved my life over and over. I mean, you sacrifice everything for me. Don't you think I'd do the same for you? You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this. Guess I gotta save your ass for a change." And this time you told me "No Dean, I wouldn't… same circumstances, I wouldn't…"**_

_**Now, I don't really know how we got from that to this, but I know it's my fault. And for that too, I'm sorry… I guess that's just me you know… I'm always sorry… I'm never enough… never was and never will be…**_

_**But I won't let you down again Sammy. I'm gonna make sure that son of a bitch pays for everything he ever did.**_

_**There's not really more left to say… I wish this would fix everything, anything… I know I lost you so long ago, I lost you to loving you more than anything else. **_

_**Tell Cas, I'm sorry too… tell him I never wanted him to be in so much pain… I know I ruined his life, his everything and I'm sorry for that… and if he doesn't already know it, tell him I love him like family… and I will make sure to pay him back for everything he did for me…**_

The letter was finished there. Or better to say unfinished. It was just sort of… left like that.

He put the papers down and picked up the almost empty bottle. He could drink himself to death, couldn't he?

* * *

_**so what happened is that i got insulted on my instagram page brutally. a girl started insulting me for shipping Wincest and and stuff and then she started telling me how my grammar sucked and that i was sad and no one liked my stories. thats why i dont have any reviews on my fics and that i was pathetic. i usually don't let it get to me but this one was about my fics and i'm very insecure when it comes to my writing. idk guys i mean maybe she's right. maybe i know nothing about writing and... you know i see other authors with stories shorter than me, and with no real work put into them getting more reviews and kudos and then theres me...**_

_**sometimes i just wanna abandon all of my fics and live my life. i put so much time and energy to make these lines and pages... and what's the point if people dont really like my writing?**_  
_**i thought you were the best people to talk to about this...**_


	7. Cursed

_**Guys, Im sorry it took me so long to update. Writing this physically hurts me, but from here on, next chapters, it's gonna be less emotional I think. I'm not sure to be honest. **_

_**Anyway, enjoy this and well, I wanted to see if anyone was interested in making my fics fanarts? It would mean a lot to me. **_____

_**I need to give a special thanks to **__**precious-passenger**____**who helped me with this chapter. Thank you baby girl .:***_

Castiel looked at the pieces of the tablet and sighed. He hadn't even had time to mourn in the death of his friend. Gadreel had given his own life willingly to help and now that Cas had broken the tablet, he wondered if it was all worth it. He knew, something was wrong. He could feel it in the pit of his stomach.

It didn't take long though, till he found out why he was feeling this hole in his chest.

"Well played, Castiel." Came the voice Cas hated the most in the world. He looked up from the chair to see the little man the voice belonged to.

"Obviously you and Gadreel managed to turn a few dead enders against me."

Castiel tried not to cringe at the mentioned name.

"Gadreel is dead!"

"Ah! So Gadreel bites the dust." Metatron said as if there was no bigger joy in the world, and then his eyes caught the sight of the tablet pieces.

"And the angel tablet, arguably the most powerful instrument in the history of the universe is in pieces… and for what again?"

Castiel looked down, knowing where this question was headed.

"Oh, that's right… to save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right?" Metatron moved closer to him and Cas just watched. He was sure if he let the douche go on, he'd find out the reason of his sic feeling.

"I mean you draped yourself in the flag of saving heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right?"

Castiel clenched his jaw looking away. He was so close to punching the guy, but that would mess his plans. He couldn't risk losing this war.

"Well guess what?"

Castiel felt his stomach fall. This was it.

"He's dead too."

Castiel was gonna throw up. But that wasn't true. He knew Dean wasn't dead. He FELT the guy's heartbeats still. Not literally but… but he knew, something was wrong with his human and he wanted nothing more than to leave heaven to get to Dean's side.

"And you're sitting in my chair." Metatron said as a set of handcuffs chained him to the chair. He couldn't give a damn about it, all he needed was to be with Dean. But he needed to focus. He needed to make sure he can get to his beloved human soon.

"You will never get away with this!" He growled low in his voice. He was gonna make the other angel pay for hurting Dean. No one hurt Dean and got away with it.

"Get away with what? You told a silly story to a group of less than believers, I'll clean up your mess in an hour."

"You give out brothers and sisters far to little credit." Castiel growled trying to hold in a desperate sob. He'd never felt like crying before in his million years of life. Not even when he was a human.

"They will soon learn that you have been playing them."

Metatron laughed as if Cas had just told a funny joke.

"And then? They will do NOTHING. Because they are frightened little sheep, following my crook wherever it leads." Castiel looked at the guy trying to play his part. But there were tears in his eyes and he felt sick ti his core. Dean was chanting his name in his head and it was killing Cas. He wanted to run to his human.

"And where I'm taking them, back to our rightful place atop this mountain of human shame and excrement, when that happens, trust me, they're not gonna care how they got there." Castiel could just kill this guy, punch him till he died.

"You know, why you could never quite pull it together, Castiel? Why you're sitting here with your grace slowly burning away and your reputation long extinguished? No curiosity. You didn't read enough. You never learned how to tell a good story."

Castiel looked at him with narrowed eyes as Metatron brought up the blade. He hated the asshole so much, and he was a little happy, along being so fearful of losing Dean, that Metatron had spilled his guts out.

"But you did." He said, turning to see the angels come in and take the douche angel to be imprisoned. He wanted to fly straight to Dean then. He really wanted nothing more than to just fly. And he was about to when he felt it. He felt the string in his head that was meant for Dean tear apart. He felt the silence fall over his brain and thoughts. Dean Winchester was dead. He could feel it in every cell of his body. The righteous man, the guy he had saved from hell, heaven and purgatory was now dead.

He felt like choking at first before a sense of numbness took control of his body. It's like with the last bits of Dean leaving the world, the last bits of emotions left his body. Nothing left for him to live for. He was now, really and truly homeless… no one left who cared about him.

Castiel pushed Metatron in the cell with all the hate he felt. This was the creature who had killed his Dean. Oh god, he still couldn't believe it. Dean Winchester was dead…

"You're doing the right thing… letting him live… that's what a leader would do…"

Cas turned to look at Hannah, the emotionless expression written all over his face.

"I'm no leader, Hannah… I never was… I just want to be an angel."

"And your grace? What will you do about that? You WILL die if you don't replenish it…" Hannah said, looking utterly concerned. Castiel couldn't take it. He couldn't take the feeling of… being cared for. Not from anyone other than Dean. He knew what was next in the book for Dean. If it was a year ago, he'd just go and find Dean in heaven, but now… after he'd taken the mark of Cain… Castiel knew Dean would not be found in heaven.

Crowley growled as he heard Sam Winchester summon him.

"Winchesters!" he rolled his eyes and appeared by the door to the dungeon. Sam was so drunk he had no idea what he was doing. The devil's trap was broken.

He found his way to the room Dean was in and got in, sitting on a chair.

"Your brother, bless his soul, is summoning me as I speak. Make a deal, bring you back. It's exactly what I was talking about, isn't it? It's all become so… expected." He looked down, hating how attached he had become to these boys.

"You have to believe me, when I suggested you take on the mark of Cain, I didn't know this was going to happen. Not really. I mean, I might not have told you the entire truth. But I never lied. I never lied Dean. That's important. It's fundamental." He was scared, to be honest. Of what Dean was now able to do to him.

"But, there is one story about Cain, that I might have … forgotten to tell you." he paused just for dramatic purposes.

"Apparently, he, too, was willing to accept death rather than becoming the killer the mark wanted him to be." Another pause. "So he took his own life with the blade. He died. Except, as rumor has it, the mark never quite let go."

He reached and pulled out the blade.

"You can understand why I never spoke of this. Why set hearts aflutter at mere speculation?" he smiled looking at the blade. He would have loved to have the power himself but for now, Dean was the boss and Crowley wanted to show he was loyal.

"It wasn't until you summoned me, no, it wasn't truly until you left that cheeseburger uneaten… that I began to let myself believe…" he put the blade in Dean's hand, placing them on his chest.

"Maybe miracles do come true… listen to me Dean Winchester, what you're feeling right now, it's not death. It's life, a new kind of life…" he smirked.

"Open your eyes Dean. See what I see, feel what I feel. And let's go take a howl at that moon.

And Dean did. He opened his eyes, this new sensation going through his veins. And Dean did. He opened his eyes, this new sensation going through his veins. It was sheer power and rage. He felt stronger than he ever had, and he was angry. He needed revenge. From the world.

He smirked, sitting straight holding the blade close to his chest and looked at Crowley. The poor guy looked so scared it made Dean laugh, with a tone so foreign it even startled himself for a second before he decided that he loved this new laughter. It was so carefree and hot. He was gonna have so much fun.

He disappeared, not wanting to risk Sam finding out he's alive. The world was his to take and he didn't need Crowley to know that.

Sam spent half an hour like that, on his knees and waiting for Crowley. Dammit, he needed his brother back and he had no other option. Unless… why hadn't he thought about it before? He needed Castiel.

He got to his knees running to Dean's room, calling for Castiel. And then the empty bed in the room hit him so hard he actually felt breathless. There was no Dean in the room.

"What the…" he whispered looking around. Maybe he had put his brother in another room and didn't remember?

He checked all the rooms, calling Dean's name. Some stupid part of his brain wanted him to believe that maybe his brother was alive and walking. He went back to Dean's room and this time he felt it.

"Sulfur…" he murmured angrily, this time calling Cas' name out loud. He needed the angel. He didn't know why demons would need Dean's corpse, or how a demon had come inside the bat cave, but he knew it wasn't anything good.

As soon as Castiel heard Sam's voice calling for him, he realized where he had been wrong. Just because Dean was gone that didn't mean Cas didn't have a job to do. Dean hadn't gotten to say his last words to Cas, but he was pretty sure it would have revolved around Sam and how he had to take care of the young Winchester when Dean was gone.

He appeared by Sam's side, making him jump.

"Hello Sam." He said, his guilt and hurt taking over his voice causing it to come out rougher than usual.

"Cas… thank God you're ok." the younger Winchester hugged him and that's when Cas noticed he was still shaking, broken sobs moving his body. He put his arms around the guy, like how Sam had taught him a few weeks before and to his surprise, it immediately made himself feel better too.

"Sam… I'm sorry I couldn't get here in time…" He said looking down as soon as he'd let go of the taller boy. The guy gave out another broken sob in response.

"Metatron is in heaven's prison, guarded and under control."

Sam just nodded.

"Where is he? Can i…?"

Sam shook his head.

"That's why I called you… Cas, he's gone. His body is gone… I… I found sulfur but… I don't understand…"

It was then that is hit Castiel. Sam didn't know.

"Oh Sam…" Cas was lost, trying to figure out how to tell Sam what had happened to Dean.

"Sam… Dean is… I can't ever prepare you enough for this, but your brother is not dead."

Sam's silent shaking stopped as he looked at Cas with utter shock.

"What?"

There was a look of hopefulness and beginning of glee in young Winchester's face that Castiel couldn't bear to break.

"He's… He's become a demon. Not just a demon, he's now a knight of hell."

"Oh…" was all Sam managed to get out before everything went to hell.

_**Don't forget to leave me reviews babies. **_


	8. Man down

_**Hey guys, so sorry this took so long. but good news, next chapter is ready and i just needed to put this up first, for dramatic purposes. :D anyway, the reason why this took so long:**_

_**1)i broke my finger and coulnd't type as fast.**_

_**2)Ive been watching glee and if you ship Klaine or Quintana then check out my glee fic, alone.:)**_

_**3)Im working on my first spn fic, release which seems to be getting no attention and it kills me cause the idea is so good, not to be overconfident or anything. it would mean a lot to me if you checked it out.:)**_

Man down

From early on Dean had learned to show off scary, he'd learned that if people were scared of him they wouldn't bully him.

Now though, it was no more about being bullied. It was about real fear, and putting it in people. Now that he had the power, he was gonna take his revenge. There was a tiny voice, a weak whisper in his mind telling him this was wrong, but he just didn't care anymore. He didn't need to care, for the first time in his 36 years of life. And boy, didn't that just feel GOOD?

So the first thing he did, was appearing in hell and he started slaughtering, hundreds, no, thousands of spirits. He picked up his blade and one by one put every soul he got a hold of into pieces and then started all over again. And that was just the beginning. He got bored of screaming souls, still human enough to beg for mercy. So he started torturing demons too. And if that wasn't fun, Dean didn't know what was. With every bone he broke, every one nail pulled out, every bit of skin taken off, he felt stronger and slowly but surely other demons in charge started helping him out. Mostly out of fear, but hey, that was the plane wasn't it?

He was gonna make his own army and for some reason he trusted Crowley to be his bitch. It was probably because of the way he talked to Dean, as if he knew exactly what was waiting for him if he disobeyed. And it was written all over the fact that there had been no complains about how solo Dean acted. Dean was now, if not more, as fierce and scary as Cain himself.

Oh, that reminded him, he has yet another knight to kill.

He pulled the bloody familiar blade out of the soul he was slaughtering, and looked around as every single soul and demon pulled back, as if they were scared they were next. He smirked pleased. Respect! What he had never gotten as a filthy caring man. A human.

"Tell you what, you keep up this attitude, pay your respects, and you will be safe from my wrath, and bathing in my mercy."

He liked how he was talking lately, fancy and sure of himself. He wanted to be the part and he'd come to realize talking like this made these idiots more scared. Plus it suited a king and that was exactly what Dean would become soon.

First he had to get rid of the remaining competition.

Dean had no trouble finding the needed ingredients for the spell to find Cain. And didn't that just give him all the more reason to love his new condition. He could go to any place in any period of time he wanted. It was just perfect.

He appeared on Cain's home door, shoving it wide open with no trouble. He barely even touched the wooden door.

Sure enough, Cain was waiting for him already, standing in the middle of his living room, his arms crossed tightly.

"Dean... you're finally here... I thought you'd forgotten about me." the older knight joked bitterly and Dean rolled his eyes dramatically.

"Oh for fuck's sake, stop being so dramatic Cain!" he smirked. "A promise is a promise." he shrugged circling around Cain's new house. It looked smaller and cozier, and much tidier. As if the owner wasn't planning to stay for long.

"So, you're a knight now." Cain said, and it wasn't a question, just a simple statement. Of course the guy had known this was the end game. The old Dean would have gotten really angry and just finish the guy right then and there. The new Dean? He didn't give a damn.

"Yeah... you forgot to mention the price when u sold me the mark!" he flashed his perfect set of teeth and winked playfully.

"Can't really blame me. You would have never accepted the mark if you'd known!"

Dean shrugged. Maybe Cain was right but honestly he didn't care. He was stronger than ever and the idea of killing was really appealing to him.

He smirked at the older demon, taking out his blade.

"You're not gonna try and stop me, are you?"

Cain just gave him this look, of pity, in response and it was all Dean could do not to start yelling. No one got to look at Dean Winchester with pity. Not even before the mark. He had been a hero, why would he need any pity?

Ok, maybe before the blade he had been just a sad hunter, desperately trying to gain his brother's trust. Maybe back then, he had deserved the pity. But now, he was powerful beyond any creature and he would not take any shit from anyone, most certainly not from this man.

He brought the blade higher, looking at the demon with all the hatred in his flesh, all the feelings of revenge and he forced it down in the guy's body, feeling the exact moment it hit the heart. Cain didn't resist a bit, as he fell to the floor, Dean's blade still buried deep in his flesh. Dean had known he'd wanted to die, but this was just ridiculous. It took away the feeling of satisfaction from Dean.

He slowly pulled the blade out, his eyes darker than the moonless nights, and kicked the last knight's body on the floor as he cleaned his blade on his coat's sleeve.

He might not feel satisfied, but he knew he had yet another enemy he had to put in control before he could rule the world. His brother, Sam Winchester and the angel, Castiel. That is if the poor guy was still alive. From what Dean had heard he was in a bad condition.

Sam could only hear the crashing sounds as a dark smoke filled the room, and he could feel his panic start to build. This bunker was supposed to be a safe house, and this should not be happening. He couldn't see or hear Cas anymore which was not helping his freak out.

He desperately tried to find his way to the door, before he was met with the familiar hated feeling of hitting the wall. As soon as he smelled sulfur he was sure there was a demon in the room and since he had no other choice he called for his friend.

"Cas? You there?" He could not see anything, and it was messing with his hunter instincts.

"Oh he's here Sammy, don't you worry your pretty ass." Came the too familiar voice of his older brother, with a totally different tone. It made every inch of his body uncomfortable and twitchy.

The smoke slowly disappeared and Sam could finally see the scene in the room.

Castiel was tied up to a chair, gaged, and he was staring at Sam with so much fear in his eyes. That was the most uncomfortable thing about this situation, that Cas was scared.

He didn't need to look further as Dean stood in front of him, his blade in his hand and his eyes dark. It was scary… the beautiful green eyes of his brother, the eyes that always held so much love for Sam, were now black and emotionless.

"Goodnight, little brother." Dean said before kicking his little brother unconscious and turning to his angel.

"Castiel… I have to say, you look better than I imagined you'd be. What did you do to your grace?"

Castiel looked away, as if looking in Dean's eyes was harder and more painful than being tied up. Dean smirked and motioned towards the angel's face, causing the gag to disappear.

"Talk angel, or I will make you."

"I have nothing to tell you. You're not Dean. My friend was a hero, he'd never hurt his brother!" Castiel shouted the last words, emptying all his frustration on the demon.

Dean shrugged, looking around his room. The thought of his old version caring so much about this place made him want to laugh harder than he ever had. The place was worthless.

The bed was pretty comfortable, he gave himself that one but the rest was just worthless junk. The guns, the blades, the picture on the table, the carpet… all of it.

He looked back to Cas, smirking wider at seeing the emotional pain on the angel's face.

"Your friend was pathetic, Cas. Now, I'm gonna cut to the chase. I'm soon to become the ruler of this earth, and I'm making my army. Sammy here is too stubborn, but you understand what power is, so here is my generous offer. You join me as the second in command, doing whatever I tell you to, and you get to live. No bargaining."

Castiel looked at him with this look, Dean could say it was disbelief. It only made Dean's smirk go wider.

"Dean… I know, somewhere in there, you are still you, my friend. Please… don't do something you will regret later." Castiel looked him straight in the eyes, the incredibly blue ones meeting the new set of shining black.

"I have been down this road Dean, became God… please, deep down you know nothing good will come out of this."

If Dean wasn't disgusted with the pitiful creature in front of him he'd be laughing so loud right now.

"Oh, you clueless little angel, you think I care about what's good and not? I don't give a rat's ass. In fact, I'd love to be the one to make this world go down." He smirked again, just for dramatic purposes, and turned around, taking Sam's shirt in his grip and winked at Cas from behind his shoulder.

"Think about my offer while I deal with my brother. And don't try to run. There's holy oil waiting to be activated under your chair, if only you move more than you should then… I'll have some deep fried wings for dinner."

And with that he dragged an unconscious Sam out of the room.

_**Don't forget reviews babes. It means a lot to me!:)**_


	9. The Devil Within Part 1

_**OK so, this is a big chapter so i divided it to two parts. I'm gonna be honest, I'm sure most of you will hate this, what i did with Dean and Sam but , this was always the path i was taking. **_

_**!WARNING!**_

_**This chapter and the next involve raping and hardcore BDSMish stuff. specially the last one. If you dont like shit like that dont read it.:)**_

The Devil Within

Sam opened his eyes. He was surprised to find himself only in his underpants, tied up to his bed. It took him a few seconds to remember the events from before he'd gone unconscious. He remembered the events very well but he was not processing any of it.

Dean was a demon.

His big brother, the righteous man, was a demon now. And not just any demon, he was a knight of hell.

"Oh god..." he breathed out, closing his eyes again. He had to try and figure out why he was tied up to a bed and why was he in his boxers. This all smelled like trouble and after a lifetime of experience, Sam Winchester didn't like not knowing.

Just in that moment, the door opened and his brother came in the room. It didn't take long for Sam to realize, the man smirking down on him was not his brother. It wasn't even a man anymore. No matter how much he looked like Dean, even without the black demonic eyes, the green color those eyes had, didn't match his brother's.

Dean's eyes had been his rescue over the years, his only truth. Whenever he had felt out of place, lost, when he was unsure of everything else, those eyes had been his rock… his first stone. Just one look in them and Sam would have known if Dean, his brother, was real and right there.

But now, the green tipped more towards a light gray. It physically hurt Sam, but he tried not to show it, instead he looked straight up, staring at the empty ceiling of his room.

"Heya Sammy." the not-Dean bellowed.

"Don't you dare calling me that. Only my brother got to call me Sammy," Sam found himself spitting out, despite his resolve to stay calm and detached to this mess.

Dean chuckled, the voice making the hair stand on Sam's body.

"Don't make yourself a stranger, Sammy. I'm still Dean. I'm not some demon possessing your brother. It's still me, just a little different."

Dean's tone was flirty and deep, almost just like when he tried to hook up with girls. It was unsettling considering he was half naked. But, that was ridiculous, right?

"Why are you here? What do you want? And why the hell am I tied up to my bed?"

Dean smirked, circling around the bed, slowly and surely.

"Oh Sammy… you have no idea, do you?"

Sam looked so lost and it made everything much more entertaining and fun for Dean. He had gotten the idea at the second he had taken the boy's shirt off to check if he had his tattoo back or was it still gone.

"You see, even as a human, I was always so good at covering up my mess. You never noticed how I looked at you when you got out of the shower?"

Sam looked like he was trying really hard to process this new piece of information but he just couldn't. He just couldn't get it.

"What?" Sam said, looking at the beautiful man before him as if for the first time. 'not your brother Sam. Not your brother' he had to remind himself.

"Sam, Sam, Sam…" Dean said, leaning casually on the bed, almost crouching, his ass stuck out in the air. "I really like the way you look, baby brother. It makes me feel all tingly, like no one else does." He leaned

closer, almost climbing on top of Sam, smirking at the younger man's wide-eyed, almost innocent look.

"Those eyes, your lips, your perfect cheekbones, oh Sammy, that ass of yours. You know how it feels to be only one step away from that ass and not do anything about it?" He smirked wider as it finally dawned on Sam what was going on.

"No… You can't… You…" The poor boy couldn't even talk, he was numb with fear and shock.

"Why do you bother? Look into my eyes, tell me, what do you see?" Call Dean crazy but he loved playing with his prey.

Sam looked away, not willing to remember this face as the face that… no… Dean would have never even thought something like that. It was disgusting and he just… He tried to turn off his rapid thoughts, they were hurting his brain. He didn't want to think about what was going to happen.

"What do you say Sammy? Shall we?" Dean said as he slowly took off his own shirt. "I'd love to take away this tension between us, make you feel really intimate with your big brother again." He tossed his shirt aside, sitting on top of Sam's tied up body. "I'm glad your bed is big enough for us Sammy, isn't it?" He rolled his hips on top of Sam's, his jeans holding him in tightly.

Sam bit his lips to keep from making any noise. He didn't know how he was supposed to feel at that moment.

On one hand, he was given friction from one of the hottest guys on earth, even he couldn't ignore how beautiful Dean was. And all the power had turned him even sexier. The only flaw to the scene was that this guy was his BROTHER! And he looked like he was about to have sex with Sam. Not the best idea really.

His body though seemed to not care about the whole brother thing, and it was starting to response. And Dean seemed to have noticed the whole situation he had caused.

"Oh, look at this now. Looks like little Sammy actually has the same feelings towards his older brother, didn't he?"

Sam twitched under Dean, trying to look away in disgust. HE was overwhelmed, hit by so many emotions at once. He wanted to push Dean away, punch him, shake some sense into him, and he just wanted to get out of those ropes.

It was so sad, out of all the times and situations he had been tied up, this was the worst.

He moved his hips, trying to push Dean off of him, but it was really hard to move when he was tied up so well, even with his size.

He closed his eyes and pushed the tears of frustration back. He was not going to let this creature see him in tears.

Dean seemed to notice the movement happening and looked up at Sam, his eyes flashing black and he slapped Sam so hard his eyes snapped open.

"Open your eyes, bitch. I want you to see me, remember me as I possess you in the way you let that Ruby bitch possess you. You hear me?"

Sam looked at Dean with shock, his heart beating faster. Ruby?

"Wha…? Ruby? What does this have to do with her?" he panted out.

Dean smirked wider, his eyes locked on Sam's as he took off his belt.

"Oh, you seemed to really like having heated sex with a demon Sammy, so I thought this could be a win win!" He leaned closer, gaging Sam with his now free belt.

"But, that's just an excuse. I don't really care how you feel about this! I just wanna get all this tension out of the way, so we can be brothers again." Dean leaned lower, biting Sam's ear, making him gasp into the belt.

"Oh, you're responsive. I like that, baby boy."

Sam felt sick to his stomach. Was this really happening to him? He tried to untie himself once more, struggling, before getting slapped again. It hit him harder this time and his vision got blurry.

He shut his eyes, trying his last hope to get away. He prayed for Castiel as loudly as he could in his head.

"I said open your eyes Sam! And if I were you I wouldn't even try Cas. He's… not awake. It's just you and me little brother." Dean smirked, whispering the last words in Sam's ears, making his cock twitch in anticipation.

Sam couldn't figure out why his body was responding like this, making it easier for Dean.

Dean got off of him and for a brief second Sam thought he had somehow been saved, that Dean was back to himself. He opened his eyes to meet the biggest disappointment of his life. Dean was not himself, and if

Sam had any self-respect left in him he'd stop hoping he would ever be.

Dean was stripping out of the rest of his clothes, dropping his pants to show his hard cock, and how his boxers were stained, dripping wet.

Dean looked up, his eyes back to green, and smirked as he slowly took off his boxers, reminding Sam of a stripper. He took his big hard cock in his hand, jacking off a few times and moaning, his eyes never leaving Sam.

Sam looked away, ignoring his own pulsing crotch. A few seconds later he felt the weight back on his body, and opened his eyes to see Dean sitting on top of him again.

"You know Sammy, whenever I imagined our first time, it was nothing like this. The old hopeless pathetic me, just kept hoping for you to start wanting me, he was so obsessed with having our first time full of love. Oh and in his version you would totally give me a blow job before i fucked you, but hey, nobody likes a perfectionist, right?" Dean said, his hands moving down on Sam's body, scratching his thighs. He leaned down, moving his body down on Sam's legs, and pulled down the boxers using his teeth. He grinned widely as Sam's hard cock was set free and run his hand up and down the length a few times, looking up in Sam's eyes.

"I never really use lube, I don't find it in me to care about the other person. But, for your sake, I'm gonna make you come first, and I'm gonna use your own come to smoothen the way. How does that sound?" He smirked as Sam's words got muffled by the belt.

He spit in his hand, closing his fingers around Sam's long length tightly, moving up and down slowly.

"Lucky for you, I'm very good at making people come fast." Dean smirked, changing his pace and pattern of movement. It was sickening how fast Sam was giving in to the building warmth in his belly.

"Ean…" He tried to shout his brother's name, desperate to get a hold of the human side of the man. He needed to stop this from happening before it was too late. Sure enough he was met with yet another slap, this time to his right ass cheek. He gasped in sharp pain and didn't fail to notice how that turned Dean on even more.

The older brother started spanking the man below him, in time with his jerks. Sam was already arcing his back, feeling on the edge, and he hated himself for it more than he ever had before.

Dean tightened his grip on the hard length and that was all Sam needed to come, his shout muffled by the tight belt gaging him. Dean kept jerking him as he rode his orgasm, and let go as soon as he hit the bed, feeling boneless and like a used trash.

_**Ok next chapter will be up as soon as i can master up the guts to write it. Im going through so much shit in my life so... yeah...**_


	10. The Devil Within Part 2

**_WARNING!_**  
**_Guys, this chapter is very triggering. if you think reading about rape will trigger you please skip this chapter. because this is violent and in details. I once had a very close encounter so i know how even the littlest things can trigger you when u were abused like that..._**  
**_I hope you like what you read and stay with me for the rest of the_** STORY...:)

Dean was smirking even wider now at the feeling of Sam's hot load all over his hand. He leaned down, pulling Sam's hips off the bed to get better access over the tiny hole. It all felt so good to Dean that he almost regretted wasting his time on torturing other souls and not doing this any sooner. _Almost!_

He looked up at Sam's face, grinning evilly as his index finger slowly started massaging the entrance. Sam had his eyes shut, his jaw clenched but the rest of his body was still so relaxed due to his recent orgasm.

"Good boy, Sammy. Gotta say, I'm very impressed with how fast you came for me."

Sam kept his eyes shut, not wanting to see and tried to constrict his rim muscles even more to push the finger away. Sure enough he was met with another hit of Dean's hands and the shock made him lose the control he had, making his entrance relaxed and more exposed to Dean.

"Do you know what is about to happen to you, little boy?" Dean said pressuring the hole a bit.

Sam shivered, feeling like he was about to throw up any second and the belt gagging him wasn't helping his situation. He needed to scream, try to shake some sense into Dean. There had to be a way…

Just then Dean pushed his finger in his hole and Sam lost all hope and tried to lock himself up in his mind. Soon enough he realized that his thoughts weren't any better than what was happening to his body. Dean was supposed to be his protector, the one who always saved him from dad's hits when things got bad. His body trusted him, his mind and soul, every part of Sam's existence trusted Dean and he just couldn't find any part of himself fighting this creature off, for some stupid hope that Dean would somehow come to his senses and stop this. He was so hopeless that he didn't even try to get free anymore, he just lied there, with limp muscles.

"That's it Sammy, I knew you wouldn't fight me off for long… I knew you would eventually let me in…"

Dean said pushing his finger in deeper making Sam's walls burn.

Sam winced pushing his tears away. _This was really not fair..._

Pretty soon after that Dean added another finger and Sam could feel himself opening up wider. He just wanted to scream, break something. Some part of him still wanted to believe this was all a nightmare. He just wanted his brother back.

His body shook in a broken muffled sob as a tear escaped his closed eyes and he held his breath, opening his eyes. He felt terrified of what Dean would do now.

Dean looked up at the tall boy under him, their eyes meeting and for a split moment Sam thought he saw a familiar person in those eyes before Dean pushed his fingers in even deeper making Sam cry out and arch his back.

"Oh, look at what I found now Sammy." Dean pushed his fingers at the same spot and Sam was then seeing stars.

"This is getting more interesting by each passing second Sammy." Dean said pulling his fingers out so fast, making Sam gasp for air.

Before Sam got to get some stupid hope about it all ending there, Dean was on top of him and lining himself up with Sam's now stretched asshole.

"Listen to me kid, because I'm gonna say this only once. If you close your eyes, I will burn your eyelids. And if you try to get your hands open, I will tear your hole apart. I really don't give a damn if you get hurt or not, you hear me?" The demon said, pressing against Sam.

Sam just nodded weakly. He couldn't find it in himself to try anymore. This was really happening and he was really about to be … He couldn't even think about the word.

He was distracted completely as soon as Dean started pushing his thick dick inside him, faster than what Sam would find caring. A burning pain filled his ass and he would have cried if he could when Dean bottomed out brutally.

Dean stilled there, his hand coming up to Sam's mouth and the belt gagging him.

"Are you gonna be a man about it if I open your mouth? I wanna hear the sounds you're going to make."

The older brother looked at Sam, making Sam feel like he could actually see 'Dean' again and Sam nodded, feeling like he was five and Dean was asking him to stay in the room, while he went to deal with their drunken dad.

Dean slowly took off the belt, bringing his face so close to Sam's that their lips were almost touching. Sam found himself longing to be kissed right now, even if it was his brother, or this creature. That would make him feel like this actually meant something, like he wasn't just another toy to this demonic thing. He involuntarily parted his lips, his tongue wetting the chapped bottom lip.

Dean smirked and pulled away, moving his face down instead, hovering on top of Sam's right nipple, blowing on it.

"Not happening, Sammy." Dean bit down on Sam's sensitive nipple, making the boy yelp in pain.

_"__I'm not going to let anything happen to you, Sammy." _He remembered Dean holding a six year old Sam that had climbed to his bed after yet another nightmare. He clung to the memory, no matter how much it hurt. He needed something to escape from reality.

For some twisted reason that motivated Dean to bite down again and he started moving, thrusting fast inside of Sam. Sam was overwhelmed by the amount of pain that every single thrust gave him. It was overwhelming and Dean didn't seem to care how Sam had teared up and was biting his lips to prevent shouting.

_"__Did you get an ouchie on your leg, kiddo? Don't worry, I'll take care of it. Told you, you didn't practice enough to start riding a bike."_

Dean shifted suddenly, making hot white pain shoot up Sam's body and Sam cried out loud as the memory faded away.

"Dean… please…" Why was this happening to him?

Dean looked up and his eyes were now back to the shining black. He slammed his hand on Sam's mouth as he pushed himself in deeper, his balls hitting Sam's bare skin. Sam couldn't help but bite at what was in his reach and Dean yelped looking down at Sam, looking very angrily.

"Did you just bite me?"

_"__Did you just bite me?" _Dean said in mock-anger as an eight year old Sam wiggled out of his grasp. _"Come here, you little bug."_ Dean roared and started chasing Sam, practice long forgotten. They ended up falling down the floor, with Dean's fingers mercilessly tickling Sam's sides, not stopping until Sam managed to gasp that he was about to pee himself.

Sam's eyes went wide in fear and he desperately tried to hold on to that memory. He couldn't deny and risk his brother's wrath so he just looked into those emotionless eyes, letting out a muffled apology, begging for forgiveness.

"'orry… ean…"

Dean snapped his fingers and suddenly there were flames on his fingers. Sam could feel the burn of the fire so close to his body and he couldn't take his eyes off the dancing flames.

"You know, I was gonna do this later with less pain but you just ask for trouble little brother. You were the same as a little kid, always went and got dad mad."

Dean lowered his fingers, holding it just above Sam's new tattoo.

"Well, did you ever think about it? that I was the one who ended up getting beat up? I was the one who had to hear all the shouts and arguing?"

Sam tried to block it out, the torrent of memories flooding inside his head. He knew that Dad was always rough on Dean but he never thought… The image of Dean limping to their shared bed, and bloodied lip wouldn't leave his mind.

"No… you never cared…" Dean said, closing the remaining distance and Sam could smell his skin and flesh burn and the blinding pain caused him to scream. Or at least attempt to scream. He was crying out but there was no voice coming out of his mouth.

"Oh yeah, I cut off your vocal chords for now, until you learn to keep your pain to yourself. Like I did for so many years." Dean smirked, blowing out the fire.

"I'm gonna make you a man Sam. A real man."

Before Sam could get any time to catch his breath, Dean was slamming inside of him hard again. It didn't burn as much as it had at first but Sam thought it could also be because of the worse pain he was feeling on his chest. He didn't even have any time to think about why Dean had gotten rid of the tattoo?

Dean kept on riding him and Sam continued to let out silent cries of pain. Then Dean shifted again and this time he hit that soft spot inside of Sam, making him see stars again and Sam could feel himself go really tight around the thick cock inside him.

Dean moaned loudly and bit at Sam's collar bone, picking up his pace and hitting that same spot over and over again, until he finally reached his climax and emptied his load inside of Sam.

Sam held his breath as Dean rode his late orgasm, pounding inside of him, and sighed in pain as Dean finally pulled out of him and got to his feet.

"Well, that was fun, Sam… maybe we should play again?" He teased and Sam couldn't hold in his tears anymore. He let go and silent tears started streaming down his face. He was tired and his whole body was aching. He didn't look, as Dean got dressed with a snap of his fingers and he didn't look as he left the room, leaving a broken, used Sam alone to drown in his thoughts.

_**please give me reviews.:)**_


	11. Black Dog

**_Hey guys... It's been too long. I have been dealing with some horrifying shit and... I had the nastiest break up of my life, my ex is driving me crazy, killing me actually, and I have exams all the time and i'm so behind on my studies and I'm so busy i cant even sleep right. I'm just trying to get through everything. The only bright thing about these past weeks was Supernatural. I am disappointed that we didn't get to have DemonDean longer, but I love where the show is going and honestly I'm a bit scared too. I'm not sure if I can live through another heartbreak. Not to mention Castiel's seperate storyline this season is driving me nuts. _**

**_wow so much crap! Anyways, i got two funny reviews on this fic actually, saying how this was a failure and that i should just stop writing. Well, it kinda pushed me more to finish this fic sooner. I have only one or two more chapters to go. And I'm sorry if this fic sucks, I just had a lot of anger in me and i needed to get it out of my system using DemonDean. _**

**_Ok, enough of my bullshit, enjoy the chapter._**

Castiel just sat where Dean had left him, wondering what he was supposed to do. He needed to think and everything was so messy in his head. There was a ringing noise in his head that was keeping him from thinking. His grace was fading faster than he'd hoped for it to happen and he cursed the world and his father for putting him in this situation. AGAIN. Dean needed him and he wasn't strong enough. Why was it that Dean always managed to get himself in such big messes when Cas was having grace problems?

It took him a solid minute to realize he was actually free to move, now that Dean was out of the room and fully concentrated on Sam.

Sam. Castiel was supposed to rescue Sam, save him. But from who? Dean? Was Dean really going to hurt Sam? He really doubted that.

He got up to his feet and reached for the door. Just as he had predicted Dean had put angel binding spells all over the walls and the door, keeping him inside the room. Dean's room.

Maybe this was a good time for Cas to look around. He knew Dean wasn't fully gone. There was some part of his old friend left in that body, trapped somewhere dark. They just needed to find a way to reach it and help it take control of this demon.

It took him less than one second to dig everything up in the room. Everything Dean had left behind. Which was practically everything he owned.

He found the amulet Dean used to wear when they first met, and with it memories came back to him. Memories of a younger, cockier Dean. The man who'd never tell anyone he needed them. The stubborn ass Castiel had pulled out of the pit.

He'd never told this to Dean, but the biggest challenge for them when taking Dean out of hell was Dean himself. The soul had resisted every single angel, fighting them to stay in hell.

Castiel remembered perfectly, how when he'd reached out for Dean, he'd jumped back, his bright soul threatening to blind Castiel in that ocean of red and black. He'd held out his knife and he'd threatened to kill him if he tried to get him out.

"Why won't you leave me be? This is where I belong. This is where a freak like me should be. Leave me be!"

Even now, after all the crap they have been through, out of all the hurtful things Dean has told him, this one hurt the most. Seeing the soul of the righteous man, feeling the power it held, and hearing those words from him. It had felt like a dagger to the heart.

Cas was sure Dean had thrown this amulet out though. After he'd given it back to him. After the search for the god and that trip the Winchesters had made to heaven. Castiel never asked what had happened that made Dean throw the thing out. He had been so protective of it the first time Cas had asked for it. And it had been after Cas' decision to stay off Dean's mind. So he didn't know.

In a hidden safe behind the bed he'd find a little notebook, one that looked like the one John Winchester had left for his boys. This one was less worn out and newer though. Castiel knew this went against his promise to stay off Dean's thoughts but this was different. The situation left him no other choice. He needed to save Sam and to his knowledge the most important thing to Dean was Sam. If the older Winchester didn't stop to think about hurting his brother, they needed something stronger.

Castiel opened the first page to the black notebook, reading from the top.

_**"This is my second attempt at having one of these. **_

_**I can't write in the first one anymore. Every time I open that stupid thing I feel like these few years haven't happened and I never got Sam back. It feels like everything is still the same, dad is gone and Sam is gone and…**_

_**Actually, it kinda is the same. Only worse.**_

_**A few weeks ago I got out of hell. An angel, Castiel or whatever, 'gripped me tight and raised me from perdition.' His words.**_

_**Dad's dead. Sam too. I got Sammy back though... I don't care that I went to hell and spent 40 years there. I got Sam back and that's what matters… taking care of my little brother. **_

_**I got him back, but… I don't know… ever since I got back from hell, something is very off with him. Bobby doesn't seem to notice anything but he doesn't know Sammy like I do. This guy, he's not my baby brother… hell, he seems more like Dean Winchester than Sam. And that scares me. **_

_**I know why I am like I am, it's because I have nothing outside my job. Sam…he wasn't like that. Not before I went to hell. I'm afraid seeing me die did something to the kid. I mean yeah, I told him he was stronger than me and he'd be alright but… what if I was wrong?**_

_**It's my fault… it always is. I try to fix everything and I just make it all the worse… I put Sammy through the hell I wasn't brave enough to face…**_

_**All this angel crap makes it all the worse. Why did they pull me out of the pit? Why me? Why now? What do they want from me? I don't trust them. **_

_**I don't trust myself… not after…"**_

Dean had stopped writing but Castiel could see right through the words, what he'd been thinking. 'not after torturing all those souls down in hell. Not after becoming what I used to hunt.'

It hurt to know Dean had had so much trouble. Castiel had known back then how hard it was for Dean, he had seen it in every piece of the young man's soul. But somehow when he stopped searching Dean's soul, he got used to believing Dean's lies, that he was ok. It was easier on Castiel to believe every damn lie Dean ever told.

He wasn't sure if he should read some more but he told himself this was for Sam.

_**"Just got out of the hospital… honestly, I guess after everything I was expecting Cas to heal me, but he just…**_

_**Why did I expect anything out of that angel? He's not different than any other angel… I need to accept that! The sooner the better.**_

_**Sam has been using his abilities… I really don't know how he can let himself use what that demon gave him… **_

_**I remember every damn thing from hell… I remember every damn soul I ever put a hand on. I can still hear every damn scream and cry… and it's killing me. Eating me from the inside out.**_

_**As if that wasn't enough, today Alastair told me… Good god, I'm the one who broke the first seal. Cas said it's true.. he also says I'm the only one who can stop this…**_

_**How can I? they call me the righteous man! It makes me wanna laugh. Righteous! Me! It's like the beginning to a very bad joke. They're screwed… if I'm really the only one who can do this, then the humanity is hanging by no thread at all. I can't do it. I can't even control Sam anymore, I can't make choices like I used to… when calling a shot all I think about is … what if I'm doing the wrong thing again? Like I did in hell? What if I'm only making things easier on demons with my actions? I feel so wrong… so lost… **_

_**And at first I thought I could trust angels… that maybe they were actually here to help us. But now… **_

_**I don't know why it always has to be me who has to come through and save the day? Why should I always have to choose? **_

_**This is not helping either!"**_

Castiel closed the notebook, feeling sick to his core. He remembered that conversation very well…

_"is it true? Did I break the first seal? Did I start all this?"_

Castiel would have given the world to deny it, hearing the broken sob in Dean's voice was enough to break anyone. He hated the answer he had to give… specially after he heard Dean's next words.

_"Why didn't you just leave me there then?"_

_"It's not blame that falls on you, Dean. It's fate. The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it. You have to stop it." _

_"Lucifer? The apocalypse? What does that mean? HEY! Don't you go disappearing on me you son of a bitch! what does that mean?!"_

_"I don't know!"_

_"BULL!"_

_"I don't! Dean… they don't tell me much!"_

He'd confessed… in that sentence, he was hoping, Dean would hear all the frustration he was feeling. All the doubt and the guilt for putting Dean through a worse hell than the actual one.

_"I know that our fate rests with you…"_

_"Then you guys are screwed… I can't do it Cas… it's too big. Alastair was right. I'm not all here... I'm not strong enough… I guess I'm not the man either our dads wanted me to be… find someone else… it's not me.."_

Castiel had wanted to shake the beautiful boy in front of him, make him believe in himself… that yes, it WAS him. That there was no backup plan. That he had grown to have more faith in the older Winchester than he had in his father.

He inwardly cursed himself for not taking the time to tell Dean he didn't heal him not because he didn't think Dean was worth it, but because he didn't have the power to. Maybe if he had, Dean didn't feel so unworthy. All the mistakes Castiel had ever made, they always ended up hurting Dean more than anyone else, affecting him more than anyone else.

And that was why Cas felt like he owed it to the human to try and help him. No matter how many times he'd done it before.

It was then that he started hearing voices from the other room, Sam's and the Dean's… apparently Sam was tied up and… Castiel felt himself go pale at what he was hearing… Dean… he couldn't have! He would have never do something like that to Sam…

He needed to sit or he was gonna be sick. His vessel hadn't felt so foreign to him in years, and now with the last clue to Dean's lost humanity it felt like Cas had lost every shred of humanity he had in him too.

He threw away the notebook, as if it was burning his hands. It had no use anymore. If Dean had gone so far as to rape his little brother like that… maybe he was really gone for good… maybe there was really no other way than to…

He had to get out of this room before Dean came back.

* * *

Dean came back to the room, still naked and a knife in his hand. Sam was done crying by now, tracks of dried tears stinging on his face. His whole body was aching and his head was pounding. He honestly had never wished for death in his life before but right now, he needed nothing more than to just die. He wanted this nightmare to be finished and he wanted his brother back.

But of course he couldn't get any of that. He was a Winchester after all.

Dean smirked down on him, as if he could get off again just by watching Sam like that, used and trashed on the bed.

"Oh Sam, look at you. Finally where you deserve to be. You know, for years I had wanted to do that! To show you how unworthy you really are. You and your righteous acts. So sure of yourself, always making me feel like trash! Making me feel like I was nothing when all the while, it was YOU who was nothing!"

Dean sat down on the chair, the lack of that black tattoo over his heart mocking Sam even more.

"Go to hell!" he managed to breathe out.

"Not yet. Just came from there though… it's different now than what we remembered Sammy. I changed some parts myself. I mean, I will be the king in no time so I thought it's better to start changing the decoration before I actually move in."

The new king? Dean was gonna be the king of hell? What happened to Crowley?

"King?" Sam looked up, willing the burning pain on his chest to decrease.

"Uhum. But first, I need some information, stuff about the cage… and I know you won't willingly go back to those memories, so… I have to get to them myself." Dean grinned, so naturally it hurt Sam. The too familiar grin on those lips brought out the very unfamiliar black eyes even more, feeling like knives to Sam's guts.

"What… what do you mean?" he said, trying not to groan in pain.

Dean pointed to Sam's burnt chest, raising his brows in amusement.

"Why do you think I got rid of that tattoo Sam?"

It was then that it all hit Sam. The why behind what Dean was doing. He wanted to be the new king, and of course, Dean would want his 'kingdom' to be unique, down to every detail. But in order to do that, Dean needed information on every part of hell and Sam was the only soul who had ever been inside the cage and was now in reaching distance.

"No... Dean! please... you can't do this to me... I..."

"Oh Sammy... I really want to know, what did I do that gave you the impression I gave an actual damn about how you feel?" Dean cut him off.

"Now listen to me, you can make this easier on yourself by letting me go in, get what I want and get out... or, you can make it harder and much more painful by resisting."

Sam just lied there, feeling even more hopeless than before.

"Fine... just... fine!"

Dean smirked wider, getting his hands off Sam and straightening up.

"Good boy. now, stay very still ok?"

Sam just stared as the black smoke as it entered his mouth, filling his body and he once again was trapped inside his own body, not able to move a finger. He was taken back to the very first time this happened to him... Meg. Lucifer... Gadreel... and now Dean. his own brother. This was the perfect addition to his list. I mean, come on! he had the devil himself in him. He knew he could over power Dean if he wanted to, just like he had with Lucifer. But the thing was, he didn't want to.

Somehow, he just stopped fighting his brother in that moment. all these years, all the fights, the argues, all the hurtful things they had thrown at each other... He just let go of it all and let Dean take over. Wasn't that what his brother had wanted all these years? to have control over Sam? He could have it.

Dean didn't know what to feel. He had never possessed anyone else since he'd become a demon and it felt intoxicating. He felt in power and to his surprise Sam wasn't putting up any walls. It even felt like his usual walls were gone too. The ones he'd put up against his brother.

He didn't think much of it though... he had work to do, and he had so much memories to go through. It was so confusing really, it was like he was in the middle of an ocean with waves coming at him, waves of memories and before he could get a hold of them they'd be gone.

He focused a little more and he realized they were somehow like threads, and all he had to do was reach out and grab one and he'd suddenly know the memory. like it was his own.

What got to him first was that, lots of these actually were his memories too. After months, he was really reminded that Sam was his brother. He was the kid Dean had protected and more than he'd like to admit, out of his love than John's orders.

He grabbed one almost faded memory and instantly he remembered what it was. It belonged to that night he'd left Sonny's boys house for Sam. Sam had been so young and they had never really talked about what had happened to Sam while Dean was gone. It's like all of them had just agreed to forget about it. Their case a few months ago must have made Sam think of this memory again, pushing it to the surface of his mind.

From what Dean could tell, Sam had felt so scared and lonely, almost shaking in the lack of safety he'd sensed without Dean there to protect him, to tell him he was ok and cared for. What he didn't remember of that night was how Sam had clutched Dean's jacket and started crying in his arms. How Sam had fallen asleep with his head on Dean's lap that night. How he wouldn't let anything seperate them more than 5 feet for a week, refusing to go to school even.

It seemed like that had been around the time that Sam had decided it wasn't healthy to rely on his big brother so much, and started distancing himself from Dean. Apparently he had been too scared of losing Dean again and feeling so lost for the rest of his life. All Dean had remembered was that he had let go of his chance at an apple pie life, for Sam, only to come back to a kid who'd barely talk to him anymore.

He let go of that thread, searching in deeper parts, reaching out further. He touched a thread and as soon as it hit him what memory it was he let go, like it could burn him alive. It was the night that Sam had left for Stanford. The night that had sent everything to hell. Dad had gotten more obsessed to get the demon and Dean had turned into a killing machine, no thoughts of his own, just doing what John told him to do. Some part of his humanity had died that night and Dean had closed off to the world even more than before.

But that wasn't why it burned, why it hurt Dean to touch the thread. what made it so bad was how Sam had felt. All these years Dean had been convinced that Sam had felt good about leaving, that he had felt free and independent. But what he felt when touching the memory was fear and loneliness. Sam had been scared and lonely and just as closed off to the world around him as Dean.

Somehow Dean just wanted to leave all this and get out. He didn't like how every passing second was making him feel like he was a human again. He didn't like how it hurt him to know how much Sam had actually trusted him. How he had tried so hard to be like him.

But he was inside Sam's head and for the first time they got to be honest to each other... there were no lies here, no trying to hurt each other. Nothing in his way to understanding how Sam felt.

He went through all the memories from their childhood, the days Dean would take Sammy for ice cream, the movies they'd seen together while John was away. All the times they had gotten into a fight about Superman and Batman. All the little pranks they'd do to each other. All the sing offs they used to have when they got bored. Every damn time he had won Sammy in a cards game.

He passed all he times he'd held Sammy close to his chest in the bathtub, washing his hair, trying to keep his kid brother warm after a hard hunt. All the times he'd promised Sam to take care of him, to always be around and keep his ass safe.

He relived all the moments they'd thought they'd lost each other and then found each other and he relived every hug again.

And then, at the darkest corners of Sam's head there was what he was looking for. Memories from hell.

That was what really got to him. He felt sick to his stomach. He was a demon, he shouldn't even have feelings but somehow, what he was seeing, what Sam had felt and gone through... it made him feel like he was gonna throw up. He'd thought Sam's hell had been like his. Getting torn to pieces, being burned and then put back together for another round.

What he was seeing was nothing like that. He realized now, there was a reason they called Lucifer the devil.

Every memory he touched featured his own face. Sam's hell had been all about Dean. Dean dying and Sam not being able to save him. Dean calling him a monster, telling him he wasn't good enough to be Dean's brother. And worst of all, Dean telling him time after time how disappointed in Sam he was.

In a second, as if he was electrocuted, he backed down, storming out of Sam's mind and into his own body.

He felt sick. He could see everything now, what he had done minutes ago and what he had done his whole life to Sam.

He just sat there, on the bed and let every memory, every feeling wash over him. Let them push their claws in his heart and scar him.

"Sam..." He finally managed to choke out, after god knows how long and he dared to look at his baby brother.

Sam's eyes were closed but Dean knew he was awake. There were tear tracks on his face and he was faintly shaking still, a new set of tears painting that beautiful face.

"Sammy I'm so sorry... I... what did I do?... I will make it ok Sam... i promise..." Dean started untying Sam, his hands were shaking and he was trying to push back at the tears flooding his vision.

"Sam... Please... talk to me kiddo..."

All the ties were gone now, but Sam wasn't moving. He didn't even open his eyes. Dean's eyes fell to the burned skin on his brother's chest and it only occurred to him then, that maybe Sam wasn't moving because it actually hurt.

"Sammy... fuck... what have i done?" He got to his feet, backing away from the bed towards the door.

"Don't move brother ok? I'm gonna fix this... i swear... I will make it ok... Everything will be alright Sammy... I promise..."

Dean left the door open behind him, his mind only set on Castiel and getting Sam healed. Cas could help. He had to.

He opened the door to his old room, where Cas was trapped and he rushed inside, feeling sick when he didn't see the angel anywhere in the room.

"Ca...?" He was cut off before he could finish the name, feeling like his whole body was on fire. He tried to back away but he couldn't move. He was stuck and he was burning and Sammy needed his help.

It took a few seconds for his vision to become clear again and he realized he was trapped in a devil's trap drawn with blood. Castiel's blood.

"Cas... Listen to me..."

"You have nothing to tell me Dean. You are not my friend and i will end you myself for what you did to Sam. But first, you will let me out of this room. If you try anything else Dean, I will not hesitate on killing you."

Dean slowly nodded.

"Cas... I'll do what you say ok? But you gotta help Sammy... please... i... I'm sorry... I hurt him and I hurt you and I..." Dean thought he would feel even worse if it was possible just by the way Castiel was looking at him with so much hate.

"You need to let me out so I can undo the spells keeping you inside the room..." He almost pleaded.

"I repeat Dean, if you try anything..."

"I wont... I'm... Cas please... Sammy is hurting and i need you to help him... let me out one second and then you can put me back inside this trap and ..."

Castiel still looked at him with disbelief but he stepped forward anyway and let Dean out of the trap. Dean moved his finger and all the spells were gone.

"He's in his room... go!" Dean said without moving. Castiel told himself he didn't have time to analyze what Dean was about to do and just fixed the trap, making sure Dean was stuck inside.

He disappeared without one word, knowing Sam really needed him.

**_Theeereeee! Deano is back. I hope you liked it. Please tell me what you think and leave me reviews._**

**_I might not be able to update till January. hang in there and bear with me please. I won't disappoint y'all. :)_**


	12. No Surrender

**_HIIII GUYS! remember me? I am SO SORRY! This took me so long. I had the finals and this semester was really hard and i'm back in the robotic field so i have to work in the lab too and well I needed sleep and i had classes i had to teach and THEN there was this SPN reverse bigbang thing and I'd signed up and well if you want you can read the fic. XD It's J2 and not really like the other stuff I write, it's happy and all!:D It's called The human shop!:D_****_  
_****_truth is it was almost ready for months but I just wanted to make it right before uploading. I said theres one or two chapters left but i realized it's probably better to update sooner and not leave you hanging on any longer. So i cut them into 3 chapters. ish. :D I hope you like it.:3_**

No Surrender

Dean was going out of his mind. It'd been ten minutes now and neither Cas nor Sam had been back. Cold sweat started to gather on his skin as the thought of Sam's hell memories hit him again and he started to wonder if he had damaged Sam's already torn mind and soul beyond repair.

It would be ironic. Spending all our life, sacrificing everything and everyone to save your baby brother only to be the one to screw him for good at the end.

He couldn't sit, couldn't close his eyes for a second without wanting to just stab himself. So he walked, pacing in circles inside the bloody trap and he let his mind fly to Sam's memories.

He had been pissed at Sam before the mark took over, pissed at him for every time he had chosen someone else over Dean, pissed at him for every time he'd left Dean. But after he took on the mark, it slowly started to change. He had been outraged and bloodthirsty, until he'd died. And well as a demon, he had been just generally cruel. It came with the package. But now, after his "search", after finding all the answers he'd needed all these years, he was just plain sad. Sadder than he'd been after Sam had jumped in that damn cage.

He couldn't stop thinking of "what if"s…

Maybe… Maybe if Sam had told Dean, if they had talked about all these before, a lot of this crap wouldn't be happening. Maybe somehow it could all be prevented.

He tried so desperately to ignore the voice in his head telling him that he was to blame for all this. He knew he was. If he had made Sammy feel so distant, so unsafe, that the kid couldn't even talk to him anymore, then he damn well deserved all the pain he felt.

He thought about those forty years he'd spend in hell, leaving Sammy up here all by himself for months. If he wanted to pinpoint the moment things started going down, that was it. Not just because Dean had come back as a mess. Not just because he'd been scared of his own shadow ever since.

Because that was when the demons had found Sam at his lowest. Dean now knew how Sam had given in to Ruby. Why he had. Sam had been drunk for the most part when it had started. All he'd been able to think about was "Dean" and "Gotta get him out" and damn Dean if he didn't know just how that felt. No one was dealing and Dean knew from experience how much that hurt. How frustrated Sam had been with everything and mostly himself. Blaming himself. Hating himself.

So he'd settled for the next best thing. What dad had done all their lives. What Dean had done a few months ago. Revenge. And then after that, for power.

That was why even when Dean had been back, Sam hadn't stopped. Dean wasn't what he'd wanted anymore. Not after having all that demon blood in his veins. And Dean, the ever self-righteous asshole that he was, had driven Sam even further…

He could deny it all he wanted but the truth is, HE was the one who caused the damn apocalypse. He broke the first seal and he pushed Sam right into breaking the last one.

He thought about the time when Sam was soulless and it still hurt. It even hurt more now, because Dean could see that even then, without his damn soul, Sam had been closer to Dean than he had been the past few months.

Truth is he'd die again if it meant Sam got his soul back. It wasn't that he had needed Sam's soul in his body, he had just needed it out of that cage. And now, knowing what he knew of the cage, he wished he'd never let Sam jump in the first place.

He should have jumped after him. He should have gone to hell for Sammy again, if he had to he should have done it to protect Sam.

He had screwed up at protecting Sam. He'd always tried and he'd always screwed it up anyways.

Going through Sam's memories he'd realized he didn't really know much of what Sam had been up to while Dean was in purgatory. He had only received cliff hangers, he hit a dog, there was a girl, he never looked for Dean. He had been so angry he never even asked Sam for details.

But now he knew.

Sam had been so lonely, alone in this damn shithole of a world. Everyone they knew was dead. And Dean knew exactly how that felt. He knew how it felt to be all alone. You get so low, you start having trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. You don't let anyone new inside. It feels like they will leave someday too. Why bother?

You start finding yourself with a knife or a gun, held tightly in your hand, wondering if you should just get it over with or not. He'd felt it during the time that Sam was in Stanford and dad left him.

Sam had been so low, somehow knowing if he tried to find Dean and failed again, he'd downright kill himself. He couldn't face that failure again. Dean had never really seen it coming with Sam, but it had been there all along. Sam was just as on the edge as Dean had always felt.

So his baby brother had decided to go for more achievable goals again. A normal life.

And then, trust Dean to come back and ruin everything again.

Think of it now, Dean couldn't really blame Sam for acting the way he had when Dean was back. Dean had acted much worse when Sam had tried to pull him away from Lisa and Ben.

He got it, how somehow acting normal, living a normal life, it just made you realize how much you were really missing on.

It was only then that it really hit him. What had Dean really done for Sam? All he ever did was take away anything good Sam managed to find in his life. Take away every bit of happiness. Every time he would get a taste of normalcy, Dean just walked in and screwed it all to hell.

He remembered Osiris, telling him he'd dragged Sam back so many times because he couldn't bear to be alone. He couldn't fucking do it alone.

It was true. Sam had been wrong all those weeks ago, telling Dean he brought him back just because he was selfish.

Maybe Dean had convinced himself that it wasn't like that, that he did it for Sammy, did it to keep his promise. But deep down, even he knew he did it because of himself. Because he really couldn't do this alone.

He knew he wouldn't be good to anyone anymore, the minute he'd crawled out of his grave, out of hell. He knew it. But just now, he realized that in fact, he never was. He had never been good to anyone for it to stop.

He had a choice here and he knew for once, with everything in him, what the right decision is.

Castiel just stood there, staring at what Dean had done.

He knew the only way to really save Sam from this was to erase his memory of what had happened. But did he have the right to make that choice for Sam?

"Sam…" he tried, testing the waters. Sam only whimpered once more, a new set of tears rolling down his face. Castiel didn't have a choice. He needed to save Sam.

It would take almost every drop of his remaining grace but he didn't give a damn. It was too late to save Dean, but he could still save Sam.

He stepped forward, putting his forefinger on Sam's temple, concentrating on the ocean of memories, trying to decide where to start erasing.

"Save him… I have to save him Cas…" Sam whimpered, so low that Castiel almost didn't hear it.

"Sam… Just lay back ok?" It was heartbreaking how after everything, now was the time Sam had decided to forgive his brother.

Castiel took a deep breath and pushed his remaining grace to his fingertips, pouring it inside Sam and he watched as Sam slowly stopped whimpering and crying. He was aware that he'd started shaking instead, feeling his balance fading.

He only made sure to heal Sam's chest before he was completely out.

Sam felt like he was suffocating when he woke up. There was something really heavy on top of him. Only after he opened his eyes he realized it was a who not a what.

"Cas?" He tried to sit up and almost panicked when Castiel just rolled over and fell to the floor. Almost lifeless.

"Castiel?" Sam sat up completely, frowning when he realized he was naked. Ok, what the hell?

"Cas? Come on buddy, wake up." He sat down beside the body, looking for a pulse. Ok, maybe angels don't have pulse? They don't, he knew that right?

"Castiel? Come on man, wake up! What the hell happened to you?" He almost pleaded.

Castiel stirred a little, groaning as he opened his eyes and sat up.

"Sam… are you feeling well?" He asked, sounding like he was in a lot of pain.

"I'm fine Cas, but you are definitely not. What the hell happened?" He was suddenly very aware of his state of clothing. Which was no clothing at all. Ok. Awkward.

"Cas? Why… Why am I naked? And why were you on… We…" He was sure his eyes were even bigger than a tennis ball. They didn't… right?

Castiel groaned once more, trying to get to his feet.

"It's a long story. I think you should get dressed up and give me a minute to adjust before I can tell you."

Sam nodded, moving to get dressed. He tried not to freak out over the drops of blood and _come_ everywhere. Ok, he was a little freaking out.

Castiel tugged at his hair, pushing it back, feeling frustrated. He didn't really think this through. What was he supposed to tell Sam now? He sighed. He didn't really have much choice here.

When Sam was dressed and Castiel felt steady enough to be on his feet, he finally got to his feet.

"Sam… Uh… Dean is back. Please don't interrupt me, this is hard as it is…" He said when he felt Sam was going to jump in.

"He's trapped in his own room, but... he did some things to you and… I'm sorry but you were a mess… So I erased your memory…"

Sam just stared at him, eyes wide, as if he couldn't place the meaning of what Castiel had just said.

"You what?"

"Sam… I had to. We don't have much time. Dean is… He's not your brother anymore Sam. He's a monster. Trust me when I say the things you don't remember could match your worst nightmares…"

Sam sighed, tugging at his hair and pinching the base of his nose.

"Where is he now? What did he do?"

Castiel started towards the door.

"I told you already. He's trapped in his own room. And well, let's say he destroyed your privacy and caused you a lot of pain. As you can see you're missing your tattoo…"

Sam stopped in his tracks, his eyes even wider now.

"He… Cas did he possess me?" His voice was shaking as if the idea alone was enough to break him into pieces.

"You can say that yes…" Castiel looked at Sam, his eyes full of regret and worry and pure sadness.

"Sam… Dean is gone… this … creature is not your brother and you need to understand that…"

"But… What happened to you? How did you even get out of that room?"

"I used my blood to draw a devil's trap. He got stuck inside and he had to let me go…"

"Cas I don't understand… he could have easily killed you devil's trap or not. He didn't _have_ to let you go, and you know that. If he didn't want to let you go you'd still be in there…"

Sam was trying to reason with Cas, make him believe that Dean was still in there, somewhere. Castiel knew better than to believe it though. He'd seen what Dean had done to Sam and the Dean they knew would never, never harm Sam. He'd die first.

"Sam… you don't know what he did…"

"I don't care Cas! He let you go and I'm guessing he asked you to help me didn't he?" Sam was looking at Cas with hope now. So much hope. Maybe Dean had asked him to save Sam but it didn't mean he cared… right?

It was easier not to answer that question, so Castiel just opened the door and stepped inside, avoiding the man in the room completely.

The door to the room opened and Dean could finally breathe as Sam followed Castiel into the room. He looked much better than the state he'd left the kid in.

Even this thirty two year old Sam was still a kid to him.

"Sammy…" Dean started but what could he really say? That he was sorry? Sorry wouldn't even begin to cut it. So he went silent, his eyes falling to the hazel ones across the room. Those eyes that could never decide on one color.

Just the fact that Sam was even looking at him felt like a miracle.

Sam looked into those green eyes and all he saw was pain and regret. Whatever Dean had done, he was sorry. Sam could see it clearly. Why couldn't Cas just believe Sam? He knew his brother dammit.

Minutes passed like that and no one talked, no one moved an inch, like a spell had fallen on them and paralyzed them all.

"Did you guys find a way to… uh… to take care of me?" Finally, Dean found it in himself to talk. Sam's eyes teared up on cue as if those words were physically hurting him. And that just made everything ten times worse.

"We know of nothing that can kill a knight of hell Dean… Nothing except the first blade and you are aware of that fact very well." Castiel answered, still avoiding Dean's eyes. Dean could almost feel it, how Castiel was afraid of what he would see if he met Dean's eyes.

Dean nodded once, thinking about the situation for a second.

"Will it work… would it be effective if I tried to do it myself? Can I kill myself?" He said, searching Cas' face for any signs of reassurance.

"I'm not sure Dean… There really isn't much said about the mark or the blade… They are both older than the history of books even. Maybe it will work, but there is no way to be sure."

"No!" Sam finally spat out, looking sick terrified. How could they even talk about this so casually? This was Dean… _his_ Dean…

"We're not… Dean! I won't let you to even try that! You can forget about it. Both of you! Just stop talking about killing my brother like it's a damn possible thing."

"Sammy…" Dean started to protest but Sam cut him short.

"No! Don't you dare 'Sammy' me Dean! That is NOT an option, you hear me?"

"Sam…" This time it was Castiel's turn to get interrupted by the younger Winchester.

"Come on guys… There HAS to be another way. We… we know how to cure demons, don't we? We have to give it a shot… Please…" Sam's pleading eyes were flickering between Dean and Castiel.

Castiel sighed, sitting on the only chair in the room and that was the first time Dean noticed how worn out the angel was.

"Cas… you ok buddy?" He dared to ask, knowing very well he wasn't allowed to call the angel his friend. Not after everything that had happened tonight.

"I am fine." Castiel stole his eyes from Dean, glancing at Sam.

"Sam… I have no more grace to help you in the process… You have to keep that in mind, that I'm just as good as any other human."

Sam nodded once, trying not to feel guilty about the angel's faded grace.

"Sam… I'm not sure that's a good idea… You wanna try and cure me, but think about it. Why? I don't deserve it Sam. You just want to do it because I'm your brother but you need to handle this like any other case. If it was anyone else, you'd have killed them by now."

"No… Dean! Don't talk like that…"

"It's true Sam… what I did to you… You gotta know there's no coming back from that… Even if you cure me, I will still have the damn mark and…"

"And what Dean? So what if you still have the mark? You will resist its power…"

"Sam… I don't know if I can do it… I don't trust myself anymore… I don't trust myself with this thing… you don't know what it's like... you have no idea how bad it gets… I mean what I did to you Sam…"

"It doesn't matter Dean… I don't remember anything… Cas took care of it…" Sam tried to reason with his brother. Dean turned his eyes on Castiel, clearly just realizing why the angel was so low on his fuel.

"Sammy… it's good that you don't… but what I did… nothing will change the fact that I… Sam we all know I crossed a line here and there's no going back from that…"

Sam turned his pleading gaze to Castiel again. "Please… Guys please… let's just try it… Cain could live with it why not you Dean?"

"Okey…" Castiel spoke, making Dean stop his protest before he even started.

"What?" He asked, staring at the angel. "Cas come on man! You're supposed to be the smart one here!"

"Sam is right Dean… You were, ARE, my friend. I cannot just let you go without a fight. Neither of us can. We have to at least try to save you." The angel said, still avoiding Dean's eyes. Dean's eyes kept falling from his brother to his best friend, looking for a way to make them see how dangerous this was.

"But we don't even know if that will work… I'm not just a demon, I have the fucking mark of Cain! The cure is not even proven to work on normal demons!"

"Dean…" Sam breathed out, just like he had when he'd asked Dean to leave him for dead after the croaton virus, just like he used to do when he'd wake up from nightmares when he was just a little kid. And how would Dean ever resist that voice? How could he ever resist his Sammy anything?

He couldn't. Never has and never will…

"Ok… let's try it."

**_Don't forget to leave me reviews_**


	13. I Am My Own Worst Enemy Part 1

_Pain. There was something burning in Dean's veins, maybe his veins were actually on fire. Maybe they were fire. He couldn't tell anymore. And then there was ice, so cold it burned him just the same. And the center of it all was his right arm. Fuck it hurt like a bitch! _

_He knew his eyes were closed but he could still see very well. A dark motel room. Just like every other one they had ever been to. Two queens, crappy sheets, crappy wallpapers, crappy lamps. _

_He heard Sam call for him from behind and he turned around, finding his little brother soaked with water and shaking by the door. _

_"Sammy? What happened? Is it raining outside?" _

_But Sam didn't answer him, just kept staring at Dean as if he was a ghost. _

_"Sam?" Dean called for his little brother as Sam took off running in the opposite direction, out of the motel room. _

_Dean ran after him, dad would skin him alive if he let Sam run away like this. He took a deep breath before he set off in the pouring rain._

Dean opened his eyes as someone splashed cold water on his face, he blinked the water out of his eyes and looked up, finding a very concerned looking Sam looking down on him, Cas behind him.

"You look worried fellas!" He breathed out, the joke falling flat between them.

"Did it work?" Sam asked, looking back at Castiel and then at Dean again.

"I think he's not a demon anymore… Try the holy water again." Cas replied and it was then that it all came running back to Dean. What he'd done, every single person he had killed, tortured. A wave of nausea hit him and he couldn't help but throw up all over the floor since he was tied up tightly to the chair.

"Fuck…" He breathed out, tears filling his eyes. He didn't know if it was because of the intense guilt or the water hitting his face or the throbbing pain in his body. He didn't care either.

"Dean…" He felt Sam's hands on his body, inspecting him for injuries and untying him.

"Hey… hey, hey, hey… Look at me buddy." Sam tried to hold up Dean's face but Dean didn't want to look up. He couldn't look them in the eyes. He couldn't.

"I… All those people… shit..." He breathed out, his whole body shaking with the sick feeling taking over his body.

"Dean… It's alright… You didn't mean to… you weren't…"

Dean pushed his brother back, getting to his feet and stepping back from his touch.

"Don't… Sam… Don't try to act like…" He turned around holding his face in his hands. He needed to be alone.

"Can I be alone?" He asked, not sure he had the right to ask that. But to his relief Sam just nodded once, going out of the dungeon with Cas on his toe.

Dean let himself fall down on the floor and this time he was sure the tears were because of the guilt.

Sam was staring at his hands, deep in his thoughts and waiting for Cas to call him back.

It had been two weeks since they had 'cured' Dean but nothing was how he'd imagined. No surprise there.

Dean had been holing up in his room, locking the door on himself. Sam was sure he hadn't eaten any of the food he left him either. His brother was killing himself and Sam was opposed to the idea in any normal situation yes, but now it was even worse because he still had the damn mark.

It didn't matter how hard or often he tried to tell Dean that fact, Dean wasn't opening his door and Cas couldn't do anything either. The angel proofing Dean had done was flawless. Cas couldn't get in.

So he was very surprised when Dean walked out to the once spotless kitchen, looking exactly as bad as Sam had been expecting.

"Dean…" he got to his feet, moving to hold his brother. God he missed Dean's smell, the safety of his brother's hold, the perfect warmth that could envelope him from all the bad and evil. At this second Sam might as well be a 5 year old, and he didn't give a damn. He just wanted his brother.

But apparently his brother had other plans because he stepped back, his hands wrapping around himself protectively and it killed Sam to watch it happen. He was starting to wonder if he'd ever get his brother back.

"I… uh… I need to talk to you guys. I think you should call Cas. I'm gonna go take a shower and then we can talk…" He was still avoiding Sam's gaze, staring at his shoes.

It hurt. A lot.

"Alright… We'll be waiting here…" Sam mumbled, knowing Dean wasn't listening anyways. His brother had turned around and was now moving to the showers. Sam just sighed and fished out his phone, calling Cas for the tenth time that day and was not shocked when it went straight to the angel's voicemail.

"Screw it!" He said and ended the call, closing his eyes as he put away his phone.

"Castiel… Please have your ears on man, I can't get a hold of you… Dean is … He's out of his room and he asked for you… Please…" He almost begged the angel, not caring if his voice cracked at the last plea. He didn't even know what he was begging for.

"I have decided what to do next… And before I tell you about it, I want to make sure you both know you can't change my mind about this. I did my research and I know it will work… I just don't want to hold any secrets and I don't want to lie to you guys… that's why I'm telling you now… Please just… Just respect my decision and let me do what's best for everyone." Dean's voice was shaky, but confident, determined all the same.

"What?" Sam asked, feeling the knot in his guts grow bigger and more intense. If Dean was talking this way, Sam was not going to like it.

"I … uh… I've decided to… I'm going to take on the trials to shut the gates of hell." Dean finally managed to get out, still avoiding both other men's eyes.

He had expected a lot of things. Sam shouting, Castiel acting confused, them trying to stop him, but what happened next was not what he had imagined.

Sam started crying. Not the usual silent tears, or the occasional broken sounds. He was full on sobbing in seconds, crying so hard that he had to lean back to the wall behind him. It seemed surreal. No one could just cry like this without the buildup, and it was only then that it hit Dean, Sam had been on the edge for so long.

Castiel though just stood there, staring at the wall behind Dean. He didn't say a word as Dean hesitantly sat down in front of Sam, keeping his distance.

He wanted to touch his brother, he needed to hold him, smell him, know that he was ok… that he hadn't broken Sammy. But he knew better than to give in to the temptation. He had resisted all these days, he wasn't going to screw it again.

Dean knew as soon as he touched Sam, he'd hesitate about his decision. He would want to stay and try and work things out. Things that he knew would never really work out. Not anymore… Not after…

It didn't matter that Sam didn't remember, because Dean did. He remembered exactly how he had hurt his baby brother, his life. He wasn't going to risk Sammy again.

"Sam… This is for the best…"

"Stop… Dean… Please just stop. Why are you doing this? We fixed you… We got you back… please!" It was hard to understand Sam in his state but Dean was well experienced. All those nights he'd spent taking care of a crying Sammy had trained him well.

"Sam… nothing's fixed… The mark… I can already feel it happening again, and I haven't even killed anything yet. I…"

"You can't just give up like this Dean… You will DIE!"

"Exactly… I shouldn't even be alive now Sam! If dad had just let me die… If YOU hadn't saved me from the pit…" Dean turned snapping at his friend, causing the angel to jump. "I shouldn't be here guys… It's wrong… It keeps getting worse no matter what I try to do and I'm just… I can't let it happen again guys…"

"Dean…" Castiel started to defend himself but Sam cut him short.

"Dean! Please don't talk like that… we will find a way to get the mark off…" Sam reached forward to touch his brother and Dean flinched back so fast it actually felt like a bullet to Sam's heart.

"Sam! It's not just about the mark… The things I did… what I'm capable of… Sammy what I did to you, it was… It was more than the mark… I wanted to… I never meant to hurt you, that was the mark but I still wanted you all the same…" Dean looked like he was in agonizing pain, just admitting to all this and Castiel felt so out of place, like he was intruding on something he wasn't a part of.

"I think I should leave you two alone…" He said but before he even turned around to leave the room, Dean was in his space.

"NO! I need you here Cas… please… you have to help me here man… you're the sane one… I need you to help Sam understand why I have to do this…"

"Oh I know why Dean! Don't bother the poor guy! You're doing this because you're a fucking coward! You're too scared to stay and fight… What happened to you Dean? My big brother used to be so brave… what did you do to him? Dean what the hell happened to you?" Sam was shouting now, replacing his fear and terror with anger.

"I RAPD MY BROTHER SAM! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!" Dean shouted, feeling his calm leaving his body, and he took a step back immediately. He let his fists unclench, taking a deep breath.

"Sam… I'm sorry… I can't… I can't be around you anymore little brother… I'm too dangerous… I won't put you in danger anymore… I packed my stuff, enough to get me by until I…" Dean left his sentence unfinished, not really wanting to say the words out loud.

Sam sighed, a hysterical snort leaving his throat as he used his sleeves to dry his teary face. He got to his feet, stepping back from his brother, not really able to look at him.

"So you're running away now?"

Dean nodded once, looking at Castiel.

"You take care of him Cas… ok? And yourself too…"

Castiel looked like he had been punched in the face, but he brought himself to nod anyways.

"Of course Dean… I wish it didn't happen like this… I wish there was… Dean I wish you had called me that night, instead of calling Crowley…"

Dean managed to give his best friend a broken sad smile.

"Yeah… You and me both Cas…"

There was a beat of silence before Sam spoke up again, new tears painting his face as he forced the words out.

"At least let us help… How does this work…?"

Dean shook his head, giving his brother a half smile, looking him in the eyes for the first time since he was back.

"You can't help Sammy… It's too dangerous. The way I see it, there are two options. Either I'm human enough to be purified by the trials and die at the end without turning to a demon, which is what I hope happens, or I'm too far gone and after I die, I become a demon and get locked away with the rest of them in hell. It's a win-win Sammy…"

"For who Dean? Because from where I'm standing, I'm going to lose my family for good…" Sam choked out before turning away and moving to his room.

"I will never forgive you for this Dean…" He threw over his shoulder, hoping the words would change Dean's mind.

If Dean felt a little satisfied hearing those words, he didn't really blame himself. After all, he deserved nothing better.


	14. I Am My Own Worst Enemy Part 2

So... here it is guys... It's 4:15 AM here, and after hours of ugly sobbing, it's finally ready.

I hope it was worth the wait.

Thanks to everyone who was patient with me and read through my struggle. Truth is, this story was mostly about my own struggles, with everything that was going on in my life. The pain of being hit by the person you love most in the world, how after so many times you just break and go to your darkest places. Giving into the darkness, letting your demons take over your mind and feelings... feeling numb... getting suicidal... and then lashing out on the world around you, hurting anyone who's unfortunate enough to be close to you at the time, and the guilt that takes over you after that...

For Dean, there was salvation somewhere along the way... and i like to think we all get salvation too...

I was very worried about finishing this... scared of it even...

But with a little help from Led Zeppelin and after rewatching season 8, i finally did it.

Hope you like it.

And thanks to my amazing friend, Saba, for pushing me into starting this in the first place.

you rock sister!:*

Dean groaned as he pulled the first blade out of the hellhound's body, cleaning the black blood on his jacket. It didn't really matter if this time he was able to see the hound without the glasses. It didn't matter that he used the first blade to take care of the hound. It didn't matter that Sam wasn't there to catch him as his knees gave out and he fell to the muddy ground when he chanted the spell.

None of it mattered, because this was only the beginning and Dean was set to see this whole thing through. He was going to take every step and he was going to go through it alone.

He got to his feet, staring at the dead body on the ground for a moment before he put the blade back in his pocket. He didn't need to take care of the body. He was done here.

Dean could feel it happening. The trials changing him. It had only been two days since he did the first one, but he felt every little shift of emotions. He was calmer now, as he stepped inside the hell he had made himself. Normally, he'd be looking around and blaming himself for all the lives he had taken, for all the souls he had tortured to make this hidden passage. But now, he was just set on the task ahead of him.

He wondered if Sam had felt the same way, or if it was the mark, giving him the ability to feel everything so strongly.

Yes, he was tired, his hands were shaking, and he finally understood what Sam had meant when he talked about his batteries not getting charged, but he was also very sedated. Everything seemed so clear now.

For the first time in years, even decades, Dean was sure of what he was doing. He knew the catch, he knew the punch line, and he was in piece with it. He KNEW it was the right thing to do.

He smiled to himself, knowing exactly where to look for an innocent soul trapped in hell. He shifted on his feet, staring at the pale young boy in the cell he was standing in front of. Poor kid was curled up on himself, shielding himself from the imaginary demons that Dean knew for sure were haunting him.

Dean had first found him when he had been here as a demon. He figured Death had taken pity on him and Dean couldn't help but feel a wave of gratitude for the old creature. He was very glad that he hadn't tortured the kid like he did to most souls down here. He only wished someone had stopped him from hurting his other brother too.

He finally opened the cell door and stepped inside, praying to God, wherever he was, that the kid could still be saved. That he wasn't too late.

"Adam?" He whispered as he stepped forward and shook the boy's shoulder.

He wasn't surprised when his brother whined and jumped back, using his arms to protect himself as much as he could. But he WAS heartbroken. He knew Adam had been his responsibility and not only he had let the kid to die, twice, he had left him to rut here for all these years. Seven hundred and twenty years in hell.

Dean shivered at the idea and forced himself to talk again.

"Adam… This is not another torture… no tricks… It's really me…"

This time, Adam didn't move when Dean stepped closer to him.

"Come on kiddo, look at me. I'm here to-"

"Go away!" Adam spat out and Dean jumped in shock.

"Adam… It's me! Dean! John's son… your bro-"

"Don't you DARE say brother!" The kid growled under his breath, looking up, right at Dean now.

"What the…"

"You fucking bastard! So what if you're real? You let that asshole possess me! You let him take me! You saved Sam from the cage, but you let me rut in there, be the only toy left there for those… Guess I wasn't much of a brother to you then huh? And when I actually got out of that… you never even tried to get me out of here! You never once tried to save me! So don't you dare claiming to be my fucking brother because I don't need any of it now. I don't care what kind of trouble you're in, or what you want… You can go screw yourself for all I care."

Dean just stood there, staring at the kid, taking in every word as the gut wrecking punch it was meant to be. It hurt him to his core, how similar the kid was to his Sammy. And Dean had to try really hard to catch his breath.

"Listen… I don't need anything… Adam… I'm so sorry that it took me so long… I… There is nothing I can ever say or do to make it up to you… I know that… But kiddo… It has never been like that. I couldn't get you out of the cage. I only could save one of you and…"

"And you chose Sam." The younger Winchester finished for him, staring him in the yes, daring Dean to deny it.

"I didn't know you were out Adam… I swear if I had known…" Dean tried desperately, he had to fix this. He had to.

"It doesn't matter… You didn't…" Adam shrugged turning his back on Dean again.

Dean sighed, trying to collect his thoughts, decide how to approach the kid.

"Adam… I'm here to get you out… I can't actually bring you back to life but I can get you to heaven and… Please… let me do this…"

"Why? Why now Dean? Why after all these years? It won't change anything…"

Dean could actually hear his heart break, he had done this little boy so wrong that he didn't know where to start apologizing.

"It will… It changes a lot of things…" Dean sighed. "If you stay here, sooner or later, you will turn into a demon Adam… But I can get you to heaven, you can find your mom, dad, you can find so many people you know there, you just have to get to Ash, my friend. Please kiddo… let me do this for you…"

"What's in it for you Dean? I'm not letting you do anything until I know why you're doing it. I've learned my lesson. The Winchester boys only care about each other, they don't save anyone else unless it has a use to them." Adam said, a dark tone to his voice and the words hit Dean hard. What? That… Did everyone think like that?

'Focus' he told himself, steadying himself, deciding to give Adam what he wanted. Fine. The kid could hate Dean all he wanted, Dean didn't really blame him either. Everyone should hare Dean like that really. He was just a fuck up. He used to feel like he actually made the world a better place, by fighting and trying to save people.

He has long passed that time.

"I'm closing the gates of hell Adam. For good. No more demons on earth, nothing to possess people… But to do that I need to save you from here first. One because I can't let you stay in hell forever, and two because well you're actually innocent and the second step is saving an innocent soul from hell. So, now you know my intentions, can we please leave?"

But Adam was still not moving, just staring up at him.

"How are you even here?" Apparently the insanity of what Dean said had set off something in Adam's head, making him suspicious.

"It's a long ass story… I promise I will tell you, after we get out of here, ok? Please…" Dean was begging now, ready to just fall to his knees right there. He had no idea why but Adam finally nodded, holding out his hand so Dean could help him up, and Dean jumped forward, getting the boy to his feet.

He decided not to talk anymore, unless Adam asked, and they took back the path he'd come from, leaving the cell behind them. To Dean's surprise, no one stooped them on their way out, and they made it to his hidden portal, the one he had made himself.

He stepped aside, letting Adam see where they were.

"You should go first. This way I can protect you if anything tried to stop us." He said as he took out his blade, ready to fight.

Adam looked at him for a second, weighing his options, and he finally decided to trust Dean, turning around to go through the portal.

Dean watched as the kid disappeared, setting off to follow him.

He could feel all the questions Adam had in his head and he knew it was going to be a long night.

"So?" Adam asked as soon as they were out, walking towards the black Impala he remembered his big brother possessing.

Dean turned around, watching Adam as he crossed his hands over his chest, clearly hinting that he wasn't going to leave just like that. He really wanted answers.

He clasped his hands together, half sitting on the Impala's hood.

"Well, about three years ago, Sam and I decided to take on a series of trials to close the gates of hell, after we found a demon tablet. There are apparently tablets for all the creations. Demons, angels, leviathan, anything you can think of… It was supposed to be me, who took on the trials, but somehow… It fell on Sam. We found out belatedly that if he went through with them all, he'd die. So I made him stop. Then about a year and a half ago, I met Cain, the one from Abel and Cain. He… uh… he gave me this mark…" Dean paused, rolling his sleeve up so Adam could see the mark.

"It kinda makes you go crazy and kill everyone… Then an angel killed me, and I became a demon. A knight of hell actually… This is a while ago. That's when I came down here and made the passage we just used. Then, about two weeks ago, Sam cured me. Made me a human again. But… I still have the mark and either way it won't end pretty…"

Adam was staring at Dean, eyes wide and Dean could tell, the kid was having a hard time believing this.

"So I decided to take on the trials myself. I will die and I won't be able to harm any human ever again. I found you in hell when I was a demon, and clearly I didn't… I did a lot of bad things Adam… and I'm sorry it took me so long to come and find you… But now, you can be free…"

Adam glanced away, sighing as he shook his head.

"You really became a demon?" He finally asked after a few minutes of dead silent.

"Yeah… and consider yourself lucky that I didn't pay attention to you then… Sam wasn't so lucky…" Dean said, a sad smile on his face.

"Where is he now?"

"He's uh… I told them that I will go solo on this one… it feels right…"

Adam just nodded, finally looking convinced.

"And you need me to go to heaven for these trials to be complete?"

Dean nodded, smiling at his youngest brother.

"Alright then… I'm ready to go… do what you have to…"

Dean nodded again, pulling out a piece of paper with the spells on it out of his pocket and he started chanting them.

He felt the pain take over his body as he watched his brother's figure turn into light and move high, he clutched at his stomach, clenching his teeth to hold back his cry of agony.

The pain seemed so much more than what Sam had shown. Dean wasn't sure if Sam had kept it all inside or if the pain was worse for Dean because there was more to purify in him. He desperately hoped that it was the later.

"Son of a bitch…" He grunted as he forced himself to straighten up and he moved to sit in the driver seat.

For the first time in a long time, he longed for Sam. He needed his brother so badly, he could feel it in his bones. He longed for just a smile, or even a shout. Anything… He would even settle for Sam's smell.

Or his voice.

He fished out his phone, ignoring the voice in his head telling him this was a very bad idea.

It took Sam a few seconds but as soon as he did, Dean felt a wave of ease wash over him.

"Dean?" Sam's voice was urgent, alert, as if he knew exactly how wrecked Dean was feeling. Or maybe it was just a week of not knowing where Dean was. Or if he was still alive.

"Sammy…" Dean choked out, holding the phone up to his ear despite the pain in his lungs and stomach.

"Oh thank God Dean… you're alive… where are you? Are you hurt?"

Dean let his head rest on the back of seat, his free arm wrapping around his body. He coughed a few times, feeling his lungs tear apart.

"'m fine Sammy… just needed to hear your voice… You ok kiddo?" He couldn't tell which one of them was more surprised at Dean's choice of words.

"Yeah Dean… just worried sick about you…" Sam paused for a second and Dean could almost see him collapsing on a chair nearby.

"Listen Dean… I've been looking and maybe there is a way for you to get rid of that mar…"

"Sammy… It's too late kiddo… you gotta let me go little brother…" Dean cut his brother short.

"No! Dammit Dean would you just listen to me for a second?" Sam shut back, sounding desperate.

"Sammy… I'm already two trials in this thing… There's no going back and you know it better than I do…"

Sam was quiet for a second before he started talking again.

"How bad is it?"

Dean chuckled sadly, wincing as a new wave of pain hit his guts.

"I think you already know the answer to that question Sammy…"

"Dammit Dean… Why… Why couldn't you just trust me for once in your life? Why didn't you let me find a way to…" Sam took a breath, steadying his voice.

"You think you're the only one who needs his brother?"

"Sammy… we both know you can live without me… I can't kiddo… truth is, even without the mark, I can't go on anymore. I'm done Sammy… for good…"

Dean paused a few seconds for his words to make their effect.

"I'm sorry Sammy… For everything. I just called to hear your voice once again before I…"

Dean had always hated goodbyes.

"Screw you Dean… I can't believe you're doing this to me again…"

For a brief moment, Dean could hear his five year old little brother over the phone, and for that brief second, it felt like nothing had ever changed between them. Like Sam still trusted Dean and loved him.

But Dean was wiser than to fall for it this time around. He wasn't going to let an illusion stop him from what he had started.

"You're gonna be fine kiddo… I'm gonna take care of all these bastards and you finally get to have that normal life of yours." Dean paused for a second, sighing as he closed his eyes, picturing Sammy's perfect features in his mind.

"You're gonna make beautiful babies Sammy… Maybe one of them will look like his uncle Dean…" He chuckled sadly again, continuing when Sam didn't answer him.

"Sammy? Can you… when you tell them about me, tell them the good stuff I did ok? Don't tell them how I screwed up everything good you ever had… don't tell them about what I did in hell…" Dean laughed halfheartedly.

"Tell them I was Batman…"

Dean wasn't sure if he had been crying before or did it just start when he heard Sam's choked sob on the other end of the line, but for the first time in a long time, he let his brother hear him cry.

"Dean…" Sam whispered in between his attempts for taking control over his breathing and Dean knew he'd try and change Dean's mind, so he cut his little brother once more.

"Goodbye Sam…" And he hung up, turning his phone off before Sam could call back.

He'd said his goodbye and he really didn't need anything else now. He already had a demon in his trunk. All he needed was a church and confession, and he was golden.

He was gonna make sure no kid had to have a childhood like his little Sammy's.

"I don't really know if anyone will be listening but, here it goes… I've never done this before, so I'm not sure how it goes…" Dean paused, looking down at his hands, telling himself not to think of the last time he was in this building. Not to think about how he'd almost lost his baby brother here for good.

"I have sinned… there's just so much that I wouldn't know where to start with. You probably already know all of them, I never really understood what the point of confession is …"

He pinched the bridge of his nose.

"For a long time, I didn't believe in you… I couldn't believe in you… It was much easier, because I could tell myself that all there is, was chaos and evil and life would go on… Maybe a part of me always believed in you and hated you… for taking away mom, and for changing dad… for what was happening to Sammy… and for what I'd lost. And then you chose ME and I remember at first I was so hopeful… it felt like I wasn't alone, like there was someone who cared about me and the people and then I learned you didn't really give a damn… You see, I have sinned a lot, but I'm just a man, and that means it's in my nature… who do you confess to? Who do you ask for forgiveness for everything you ever did to us? How can you begin to make up for creating us and then leaving us to suffer like this? What is your excuse for your sins?" Dean sighed again, feeling stupid for ever even attempting this.

But he had to go through with it, so fuck it. He'd just have to try.

"Please forgive me, for what I did in hell, and for all the suffering I caused on earth. Forgive me for letting down my father, for not being able to protect the ones around me like I promised. Forgive me for Ash, Ellen and Jo, Bobby, Rufus, Tessa, Benny, Kevin, Chuck, mom, Deana and Samuel, Henry, dad… Forgive me for Lisa and Ben…" Dean took a deep breath, forcing himself to go on.

"I need forgiveness, for what I did to my brother. For keeping him in this shitty life and for not saving him when I had the chance. I was selfish, and afraid of going through it alone. I ask to be forgiven for wanting him in every way, for needing him more than air. For holding on to him so tightly he lost his own way. For letting him down again and again and for betraying his trust… Please forgive me…"

He slid a hand down his face, getting to his feet and feeling like crap. How did this help anyone feel better about themselves was beyond him.

Sam jumped as his phone went off in the library and almost tripped over his own feet three times before he got to it and answered. It was Cas.

"Cas, what do you got?"

"I found him Dean. I heard his confession. He's in the same church you had taken Crowley to for the third trial."

Sam didn't even bother to say thanks before he shut his phone and was out of the bunker, driving to save his brother.

He was going to do it this time.

Dean tried to steady himself on his feet as he walked to the demon in the devils trap to inject the last dose of blood. It was gonna work. His confession must have been good enough then.

He dropped the needle, reaching in his pocket and fishing out a bloody piece of paper, reading the words with a steady calm voice. He knew he was going to succeed. He felt it in his bones.

"Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, hanc animam redintegra, lustra." He chanted, taking out his old favorite pocket knife to cut his hand.

"DEAN!" He jumped as he heard Sam's voice, calling for him in that voice, almost dropping the knife in favor of running to his little brother. But he knew better.

He grunted in pain as he cut his hand, dropping the knife and stepping forward, slapping his bloody hand to the demon's mouth and watched as the demon cried and screamed, turning back into human.

"DEAN WAIT…" He heard Sam's loud yelling from outside the church and closed his eyes, almost glad Sam would be there in the last minutes of his life.

"Kah-nuh-ahm-dahr"

As soon as he said the last word, he felt the pain take over him, like fire was pumping through his veins instead of blood. He was barely aware that his knees hit the floor, as he collapsed and just before he hit the ground completely, he felt strong hands catch him, gathering him into a warm hold.

It smelled like Sammy.

"Sammy…" He choked the word out, spitting blood all over his brother's hands.

"Shhh…It's ok big brother… it's gonna be ok… I'm here… I gotcha…" He heard Sam whisper and he forced his eyes open, glancing up at his brother. It took him a few beats to realize who was standing behind Sam and he felt even lighter than before.

"Cas…" he choked out again, his eye falling shut again as the pain got worse inside him.

It was like he could feel as every demon was dragged back down under, feeling their pain with them, and it was… well, hell.

"Dean… God… Please… please don't die Dean… I can't lose you again… not now…" Sam whispered, his tears washing over his face and falling on Dean's bloody face, washing him clean like rain.

"It's… for… the best…" Dean forced out, looking up at him again, tears leaving his own eyes.

"No… no Dean it's not… Please…" It broke Dean's heart, the pain of seeing his brother so broken, so scared, more than what he was feeling physically even then.

"Dean… please… you need to live, so we can figure things out… Dean… I need you… I want that normal life WITH YOU!" Sam was sobbing now, holding Dean tightly in his arms.

"Come on… you can fight this Dean… please… Look, the mark is gone, you have to fight and stay with me… We can make a new life… we can be together Dean… please… please…" Sam kept babbling, feeling his whole body shake with ugly sobs. Somehow, this time, it was worse than ever. Maybe because this time, Sam actually knew Dean wouldn't be back again. Or maybe because he now knew the truth about Dean's feelings.

He didn't care. He just wanted Dean to live.

"CAS! DO SOMETHING! HEAL HIM!" he yelled at the angel behind him, fear spreading through his veins as Dean's breathing became harder and his brother started shaking more.

"Sam… you know that I can't…" The angel answered, sounding just as broken as he was feeling.

For the first time in a long time, he could see it again. He could see why this boy, this beautiful creature, with all his faults, was the righteous man.

He didn't know angels could cry until that second.

"Cas…" Dean said, his voice just a little above a whisper.

"I'm…sorry… for… everything…" A long pause filled with chocked breathing sounds.

"And… thank you…" He closed his eyes, pain written all over his face.

"Sammy… you gotta… promise me… something…" He opened his eyes, begging Sam silently not to interrupt him. And Sam could feel himself dying every second he watched his brother like this.

"When you have a kid…name him after me… don't forget me kiddo…" Dean coughed, painting Sam's hands in red but Sam was blind to anything but those green eyes by this moment, his ugly sobs shaking them even more.

"Dean…no… you can't fucking say goodbye to me! I won't let you… please Dean… please… you are gonna live through this and we will both have kids and we will tell them how you are a hero… Dean, please…" Sam wasn't even sure what he was saying anymore.

"I… Love you…" Dean said, a faint smile on his bloody lips, before his body gave one last shake, falling limp in Sam's lap.

Sam felt the earth standing still.

Dean was gone.

This time, for good.

Castiel stood back, tears painting his face, as he watched Sam Winchester hold his brother's corpse and cry like no one had in the history of the humanity. He kept babbling little words, chocked pleads.

The righteous man was now gone.

This time for good.


End file.
